From my 8 year old, on his path to becoming a great dad: “What did the designers of Darth Vader’s costume model it on?”
Mannequin Skywalker
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell people he was a vegan.
What do you call a Holy woman that works in your office?
Nun of your business
DEEPFIRED: Australian PM Scott Morrison known as Scomo caught taking another break
https://ift.tt/2ZJgQaV
TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
I fired my tailor the other day
He told me, "Fine! Suit yourself!"
A good bar joke that always makes women laugh
Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating. Jack asked, "Son, what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?? His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!"
Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.
Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." "Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."
As a dentist, I only get paid for each prosthetic implant I complete…
Nothing dentured, nothing gained!
My wife asked me, βDo you think our kids are spoiled?β
I said, βNo. Most of them smell that way.β
6 life lessons
6 life lessons Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, βIβll give you $800 to drop that towel.β After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,β¦ βWho was that?β βIt was Bob the next door neighbour,β she replies. βGreat!β the husband says, βDid he say anything about the $800 he owes me?β Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, βIβll give each of you just one wishβ βMe first! Me first!β says the administration clerk. βI want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.β Poof! Sheβs gone. βMe next! Me next!β says the sales rep. βI want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.β Poof! Heβs gone. βOK, youβre up,β the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, βI want those two back in the office after lunch.β Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say Lesson 3: A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,βFather, remember Psalm 129?β The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, βFather, remember Psalm 129?β The priest apologized βSorry sister but the flesh is weak.β Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, βGo forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.β Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity Lesson 4 A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, βCan I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?β The crow answered: βSure, why not.β So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up Lesson 5: Power of Charisma A turkey was chatting with a bull βI would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,β sighed the turkey, but I havenβt got the energy.β βWell, why donβt you nibble on my droppings?β replied the bull. βTheyβre packed with nutrients.β The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Moral of the story: Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend And when youβre in deep shit, itβs best to keep your mouth shut!
When it’s friday and someone says “so hey there is this quick thing we need fixed”
https://ift.tt/3ahqVRs
I’m getting second thoughts about whether accepting this job was a good idea.
https://ift.tt/35ZRhV2
*Hits Blunt*
Blunt: Hey what the fuck man
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxicabs
I’ve been accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
“Excuse me,” I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, “You have some semen on the back of your jacket.”
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably just yogurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt"
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Iβm opening a new gay club called βGarage Saleβ
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
Twenty years ago, I married my best friend in the whole world.
If my wife ever finds out, sheβll kill me!
A husband and wife were fighting.
Wife:why is it that you don't like anyone from my side of family? Husband: No way, I love your Mother-in-law more than my Mother-in-law.
Hooters
Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other. At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs." "You're on." At age 42, they meet and play golf again. "Where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Again?Β Why?" "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games." "OK." At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters. "Why?" "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK." At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy." "Good choice" At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts." "Great choice." At age 82 they meet and play again.Β "Where should we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before." "Okay."
My Patient just told me this joke and i can’t stop laughing
George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise. On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought – who could it be ? Then the doorbell rang again. He got up and walked up to the door. As he opened the door, he was greeted by this young bombshell blonde, donned in a sexy little red dress with matching red lipstick and red heels. As he says Hi, she replies – Are you George ? He says- Yes, I am. She says – I am from SuperSex. George pauses for a minute. And then says nonchalantly, I'll have the soup please.
What do you call a Mexican standoff with only 2 people?
A Juan on Juan
Did you hear about the man who was arrested for stealing electricity?
He was cleared of all charges.
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.
Those damn moose limbs.
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! Iβm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didnβt send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "Theyβll find us!"
So if guns donβt kill people, people kill people
Does that mean toasters donβt toast toast toast toast toast?
I don’t trust stairs
They are always up to something.
Sorry sir, we don’t serve time travelers here
A time traveler walks into a bar
Jesus and the disciples are at the Last Supper…
Jesus holds up a cup of wine and says, "This is my blood." Then he holds up a loaf of bread and says, "This is my body." Then he holds up some mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."
“Mickey, it says here that you killed Minnie because she was ‘really silly’?”
"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
Itβs easy to deter the ladies from eating tide pods but…
itβs more difficult to deter…gents
Great wine is like great jazz…
It confuses me and Iβm pretty sure itβs all the same.