From My Dad
Wanted: man has been stealing tires off police cars.
Authorities have been working tirelessly to catch him.
A woman said to her husband “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So he took her to dinner and a movie, and dropped her off at her parent's house.
I used to hate facial hair.
But then it grew on me.
Me and my wife stopped talking for weeks after we blamed each other for not defrosting the refrigerator.
Finally, I decided to break the ice.
What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?
They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.
Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?
They say the business is toast.
For me, sex is like a game
I watch it online, because I can’t afford it.
Today my doctor told me I was colorblind.
The results came completely out of the purple…
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel.
“Hi my name is David and i lost my ID…
… I guess you can call me Dav now."
Spent an hour at the wife’s grave tonight.
Bless her, she still thinks I’m digging a pond.
The waitress came over and saw my leftovers and asked, “do ya wanna box for that?”
I responded with, "no, but we can arm wrestle any day."
Why do they call him Lord Vader?
Because no one could keep a straight face calling him Master Vader.
I brought my daughter out for her first drink…
While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!
I was telling my wife how sometimes I feel really high and sometimes I feel really low.
"Dear, get off the swing" she said.
Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store
It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take
Went on a date to an ice skating rink.
So I fell over and grabbed my knee pretending that I was in pain, trying to get the sympathy of my date. Instead she just stood there, cringing. As did everyone else in the reception area…
geology totally rocks but geography is where it’s at
i’m new to this subreddit 🏃🏽♀️
A bad workman blames his fools…
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
I left the general store empty handed
I was looking for something specific
Did you know that the secret service can no longer yell “Get Down!” when the president is in danger?
Now they have to say, “Donald, Duck!”
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
An officer and a lawyer were having a discussion in court.
Lawyer: "A woman shot her husband because he stepped on her freshly mopped floor." Officer: "That is correct." Lawyer: "Officer, can you explain why it took you 20 minutes to arrest the woman once you got there?" Officer: "The floor was still wet."
A son asks his dad, “Tell me a joke!”
And his dad replies, "Pussy!" The son tells him, "I don't get it…" And his dad says, "I know you don't."
An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don’t belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: “I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I’ll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield”.
The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once – the shield cracks; twice – the shield falls apart; thrice – the American is no more. Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation. The Devil strikes once – nothing; twice – the Indian shivers a bit; thrice – the Indian grunts, but lives. The Devil is amazed and tells him he's free to go. The Indian asks "May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time". The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: "So, what will you use as a shield?" The Russian: "The Indian, of course".
Republicans must be flipping their shit over this blatant nepotism within our government!
https://ift.tt/37vjKDx
This season of Earth is not realistic
So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story? I'm feeling Lost.
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today!!!
That’s seven years in a row now!!
How do you start a holy fire?
With a match made in Heaven.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap? "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays the $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
A rich businessman enters a bar and announces he’s looking for a good deal.
Before long an old man approaches him with an old lamp. “Excuse me sir, would you like to buy this very rare lamp?” “For how much?” The businessman asks. “1.5 billion dollars. A steal, if you ask me. It is worth much more” The old man says. “1.5 BILLION DOLLARS?!” The businessman shouts, getting angry at the audacity of the old man, but the other interrupts him. “I understand your thoughts” the old man says quickly, “ but you see, this is a magic lamp. It has a genie inside it. Three wishes per person, no less!” “Oh, really? Show me, then” The businessman says mockingly. “Well, of course. I saved my last wish just for this” the old man smiles as he rubs the lamp. To the businessman’s surprise, a genie really pops out! “What is your third wish, master?” The genie says majestically. The old man grins at the businessman’s mesmerized face before making his last wish. “A mug of coffee, please.” The genie snaps his fingers, and a mug of coffee appears before the old man. The businessman stares slack-jawed at the mug as the genie disappears. The old man smiles. “Well?” “I’ll buy it” The businessman replies immediately, writing him a cheque, taking the lamp and leaving before the old man can change his mind. After getting home, the businessman runs the lamp hopefully, and sure enough, the genie appears. “What is your first wish, mas-” The genie starts, before being interrupted by the businessman. “I wish for all the money I gave the old man, as well as a new yacht, a mansion and a limousine!” The businessman blurts out quickly. The genie stares at the businessman for a few seconds, then says awkwardly: “M-my apologies master, I only serve coffee and tea.”