From my family group… -it’s already been 5 years since coronavirus, Roberto. We can hug now -you never know
I accodently froze myself to -273 degrees
But don't worry, I'm 0K.
I was at a really emotional wedding today…
Even the cake was in tiers.
Whats the name of the most badass debt collector?
Bond. Legal Bond.
I know alot of jokes about unemployed people.
but none of them work.
If “womb is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom”, then then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
“BOOM” I hope that blew your minds
Instead of a swear jar I have a pessimism jar, every time I have a negative thought I put a coin in.
It’s currently half empty
An angry man with a gun walks into a bar and yells “WHO HAD SEX WITH MY WIFE”
A man sitting in the corner replies, “You won’t have enough bullets”
I met an Australian guy who works in IT.
I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
When I ever get to be a dad, I wanna start early.
If I would get to be the dad of a son, I'd name him Jason so on the moment of his birth I can get up and shout: "Jesus Christ, it's Jason, born!"
Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
How does bread say hello?
Glutentag
apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
it’s not stroganoff.
Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove it was just as good as chicken!
why does my code always look so shitty compared to code written by big companies :c
https://ift.tt/3868Lkj
The boy’s dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled “Ass!” And the boy heard…
(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.) The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard… "Daddy, what does ass mean?" "It means… beard." Downstairs, the boys older sister was hanging coats on their coat rack, then accidentally stubbed her toe. She was so surprised she yelled "Shit!" And the boy heard… "Big sis, what does shit mean?" "It means… coat." In their living room, the boy saw someone on the TV say angrily "Bitches and bastards!" And the boy heard… "Auntie, what does bitches and bastards mean?" "It means… boys and girls. In their kitchen, the boy's mom was cooking a turkey, then accidentally burnt herself. She was so surprised she yelled "Fuck!" And the boy heard… "Mom, what does fuck mean?" "It means… cook." The boy knew that company was coming over, so he opened the door for them. He said, "Good afternoon bitches and bastards! You can go hang your shits on the shit rack and come in! Dad's shaving his ass and mom's fucking the turkey."
Having children really brought my wife and I closer together.
Now we have a common enemy.
Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.
Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?! Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too….and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world! Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there! Boy: What problem?! Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother! Boy: Why not?! You married mine!
What is the difference between a person who works in landscaping and someone who collects coffee?
One is a groundskeeper while the other is a grounds keeper
Mistaken identity
A guy goes into a drug store looking for some disinfectant. He walks up to an employee in a white uniform and asks her "Excuse me, do you sell any products here that will kill the Corona Virus?" She says, "ammonia cleaner". . . He replies, "Oh sorry to bother you, I thought you were a pharmacist."
If you push the envelope…
…is it still stationary?
A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.
He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus. “Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?” The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says, “My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.” The country boy replies, “My apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”
This is going to be the first year that I haven’t taken a vacation in Paris, because of the pandemic.
Usually it is due to lack of money