From my partners grandmother.. cringe
A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. “Do you guys have golden toilets?” he asks.
"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?" "Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet." Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"
I don’t always roll a joint but when I do…
It’s my ankle.
Someone pooped in the water hole again.
Well shit.
I found a spot of cancer on my bingo card.
But don't worry, it was B9.
You know how the Canary islands is a misnomer, since there’s no canaries? It’s the same with the Virgin Islands
There's no canaries there either
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.
I had a vasectomy so I wont have any kids…
Just got back home and they are still here…
A new leaked photo from Nasa reveals an actual photo of Australia taken from the ISS.
https://ift.tt/3361wXD
My wife always takes a run right after we have sex
Some people… You give them an inch and they take a mile
Wife: Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Milk is the fastest liquid
It's pasteurized before you've even seen it
My dad once told me that jacking off too much can make you go blind
Then I said "Dad, I'm over here."
What’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu?
Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment
This time next year you guys will be laughing about all the Coronavirus fears of today…
Not everyone of you, of course.
I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect…
but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.
What vegetable has a hard time breathing? Artichokes!
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How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Add a nipple to it.
I called the doctor, “My Wife is going into labor! What should I do?”
“Is this her first child?” He asks. “No this is her Husband.”
What’s ET short for?
he’s got small legs
Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Before you get angry at someone, walk a mile in his shoes,
That way you will be a mile away and have his shoes.
My friend fell in an Egyptian river last week, but swears he didn’t.
He was in De Nile
My friend, who is a Jehovah’s Witness, is really mad at me.
He told me a Knock Knock joke, and I refused to answer.
Doctor: It appears that your DNA is backward.
Patient: And?
I saw an amateur ventriloquist the other night.
The performance was a little wooden.
I lost my watch at a party once.
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
