from my psychology textbook
When orders for acetone, benzene and methanol plummeted…
…the chemical plant became insolvent…
Why was the basketball court wet?
Everyone was dribbling on it.
The Earth used to be flat…
Until they buried yo momma.
-Tips fedora at mosquito-
M’laria!
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "Hmmmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
I just got into a car accident!
The other driver got out of his car, and turns out he was a dwarf. He ran up to me and exclaimed "I'm not happy!" So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
A young adventurer guy is trekking through the deepest, darkest amazon jungle
When out of nowhere, he suddenly finds himself surrounded by 30 of the most fierce-looking tribesmen, all with long spears, bows and arrows, as what looks like the chief walks right up to him. The guy looks at his situation…and he cries out, "Oh god I'm so fucked!" Just then, the clouds above opened, and a bright light shined down upon him..and he heard a great, thunderous, but calm voice, and he said, "No, my son..you are NOT fucked. Pick up the large rock at your feet, and strike the man in front of you with all your might". The young man doesn't hesitate. He reaches down, picks up the rock, draws back and hits the chief right in the head. The chief just falls backwards, dead. Plop. The tribesmen all look at the chief, and then look at the young man, with a total look of stunned disbelief. Then the voice from above speaks again.."NOW you're fucked".
A man gets a facelift…
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales Clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
What do you call an atheist church?
A non-prophet organization! 😂😂
Why was power so tired?
Is was working overtime.
How does a Jewish person make tea?
Hebrews it
As I gave Dad his 60th birthday card he said to me…
"Just one would have been fine!"
People think being a waitress isn’t a respectable job.
But hey, it puts food on the table.
I have an irrational fear of empty spaces
Nothing scares me
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
Divorce lawyer: I’m sorry to say, but all of your husband’s assets are Frozen.
Wife: How? Lawyer: I’m not sure, but he has 2000 DVDs of the movie for some reason.
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor
Why can’t melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe
I don’t like doing spring cleaning
Damn things bounce all over the place
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: “For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…”
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
What did the chef say when he got hit with the seasoning?
Hey! That's a salt!
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
My wife told me take the spider out instead of killing him.
We had a few drinks, what a great guy. Turns out he’s a web designer.
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
If you work for Starbucks, and are caught stealing beans…
It's grounds for dismissal.
Did you know it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust
What car do you drive in fall?
Autumn-mobile
My friend drowned in a vat of varnish. He had a terrible end,
but a lovely finish.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?[NSFW]
Smallpox HAPPY TURKEY DAY!
I just spotted an albino dalmatian…
It was the least I could do!
Pickup line to use at the a hairdresser…
"…excuse me miss, do you comb hair often?"
I never forget my sons first words…
"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years"
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.