Aww poor baby. Just dont buy the latest iphone or avocado toast. Youβll be fine
https://ift.tt/2PTlS1L
My daughter has started asking me questions about the human body
I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there
We’ll just use Luxembourg for storage. Why can’t you store your clocks in Sweden? Oh the whiff! And they don’t display leap years properly
We’ll just use Luxembourg for storage. Why can’t you store your clocks in Sweden? Oh the whiff! And they don’t display leap years properly
Iβm not sure if I like toast.
On the upside, itβs buttered. But on the downside, itβs not.
Several scientists were all posed the following question: βWhat is 2 * 2 ?β
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces, β3.99β The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces, βIt lies between 3.98 and 4.02β The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces, βI don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!β Philosopher smiles, βBut what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?β Logician replies, βPlease define 2 * 2 more precisely.β The sociologist, βI don't know, but is was nice talking about it.β Behavioral Ecologist, βA polygamous mating system.β Medical Student, β4β All others looking astonished, βHow did you know ?β Medical Student, βI memorized it.β
A son and daughter walk up to their father.
Son: Dad which one of us do you love more? Father: My love for you is like communism. Daughter: So equally? Father: No, it collapsed 30 years ago.
My sister bet me a hundred dollars i couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
What do you call a row of bunnies walking backwards
A receding hareline
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian!
I was buying a large Christmas tree…
… and the cashier said, "Whoa, are you going to put that up yourself?" I said, "No, you sicko, I'm putting it in my living room!"
[Introducing My girlfriend to my family]
Me: This is my girlfriend Janine Janine: Hi Wife: What the fuck
A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?” No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spotβ¦
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.
The guy replied, βSome people just like to watch the world, Bern.β
A cat died and went to Heaven
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, βYou have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.β The cat thought for a moment and then said, βAll my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floorsβ¦ I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.β God said, βSay no more.β Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow. A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, βWell, we have had to run all of our livesβ¦ from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.β God answered, βIt is done.β All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the catβ¦ He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, βIs everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?β The cat replied, βOh, everything is just WONDERFULβ¦ Iβve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little βMeals-on-Wheelsβ that You have been sending over are delicious.β
I tell dad jokes
Sometimes he laughs
What did one bone say to another bone?
Letβs meet up and share a joint.
βI have a split personalityβ
Said Tom, being frank
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
A little boy sees his grandpa smoking weed.
He says, "Gramps, can I have a puff?" Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" "No…" "Well, you can't have any." Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, "Can I have a swig?" Grandpa replies again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" "No…" "Well, you can't have any." The goes into the kitchen and is eating cookies when his Grandpa walks in. "Can I have a cookie?", asks Grandpa. "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Grandpa says, "As a matter of fact, it can!" The little boy replies, "Well then you can go fuck yourself. These are MY cookies."
I had a dream I was a muffler.
Woke up exhausted.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
An employee is absent.
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello." "Is your Daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the little voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the neighbours," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A helicopter," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter." Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…"Me!"
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says itβs terminal.
My hipster friend drowned
He tried to walk on ice before it was cool
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
βAye, mateyβ
A wife shows her husband a picture and says, “The camera adds 10 pounds”…
The husband, bewildered, says, "Why would you eat a camera!?"
Cop: Iβm arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!
Me: Wait, I can explain everything!
What do you call a dog floating in water?
A good buoy
A few days ago, I told a lady on the bus she had semen on the back of her shirt.
She told me, "Probably just some yogurt." Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.
I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.
Edit: 3 children Edit: 2 Edit: 1 Edit: 0
Why did the baby go to jail?
Because he was resisting a rest.
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.
As the bartender goes to get the drink, the bowl of peanuts pipes up, "excellent choice, on the beer! A really great decision." Thinking he is hearing things, the man goes to the bathroom to wash his face. On his way there, the juke box yells at him, "a goddamn beer? Horrible choice. Only thing worse is that disgusting excuse for a shirt you're wearing." Startled, the man rushes into the bathroom to freshen up, then returns to his seat at the bar. As the bartender brings back his beer, the man says to him, "I think I'm going crazy here. I thought I had the peanuts heaping praise on me here and then the juke box ridiculing me on my way to the bathroom. Did I imagine that?" The bartender solemnly shook his head. "No, sir. My apologies. The peanuts are complimentary, but the juke box is out of order."
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
it's not hard…
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer
than the men who mention it.
What did the mamma llama say to the baby llama said he was out of lunch money?
"Alpaca lunch for youβ
Monday: Greg. Tuesday: Ian: Wednesday: Greg. Thursday: Ian. Friday: Greg
A GregOrIan calendar
John F Kennedy was just “John Kennedy” From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963
They only added the F after he died
Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:
First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on… A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
Depressing pickup lines.
Are you suicide? Because I think about you every day. Are you a toaster? Because I really want to take a bath with you. Are you a noose? Because I really want to hang with you. Are you a gravestone? Because I really wish you were on top of me. Are you anti-depressants? Because if I donβt have you every day Iβm going to kill myself. Are you a coffin? Because I really wish I was inside you right now. Are you a coroner? Because I really want you to inspect my body. Are you a death certificate? Because I really wish you were mine. Are you an electrical outlet? Because I really want to stick my fingers in you. Are you traffic? Because running into you would really make my day. Are you a sinking ship? Because Iβd really like to go down on you.
[SPOILER] Star Wars
https://imgur.com/lglgd2E
My girlfriend broke up with me when she went away to college.
She said she was majoring in bye-ology.
Are you today’s date?
Because you're 10/10.
I was once in a relationship with twins.
Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.