From New York with Love
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t think twice…
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget Edit: Thanks for the upvotes, I needed this for a challenge on r/ModMurder
“Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!”, says a white man to a Chinese national.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national. "But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!" "No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"
What do you call a timely dinosaur?
A prontosaurus
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith.
What’s the difference between my husband and Gollum?
A ring actually means something to Gollum.
Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2?
Because it’s Tuesday.
My wife’s 32 today but I’m only allowed to celebrate my wife’s birthday for half a minute
After all it is her thirty second birthday
My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.
0 Kills 0 Assist 7 Deaths
You know Mexican jokes and black jokes are all the same,
Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
While most puns make me feel numb,
mathematics puns make me feel number.
Husband was screwing his secretary up the ass when his wife walked in
Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me! Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel’s hair isn’t chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
I write my name in cursive all the time –
It's my signature move.
I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday…
…because Monday to Friday are weak days…
What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
Did you know?
When a short person waves at you, it's called a microwave
The other day, my friend told me I was delusional.
I nearly fell off of my unicorn.
I can cut wood just by looking at it.
It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.
Why haven’t aliens landed on Earth yet?
They saw our review. 1 star
Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party
Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party. After several drinks one of the men had to use the restroom those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.” The second guy said, “Darn, That’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to light school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet or his birthday.” The third man said, “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.” The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?” The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a striper at a nightclub.” The three friends said: “What a shame… what a disappointment.” The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was three weeks ago, and he receive a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion…a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!”
“OMG, what’s going on? I can see through you.”
"My son told me he is transgender." "So?" "That makes me transparent."
A gorgeous maid met her madam and asked for a pay rise.
"why are you asking for a pay rise?" asked the madam. "Because i iron better than you." answered the maid. Silently fuming, the madam asked, "who said that?" "your husband did." Silent fuming intensifies. A bit daring, the madam asked again, "is that all you have to say?" "i cook better than you, madam." "who said that?" "Your husband did." A sense of defeat and humiliation overflowed within madam, but she is still unwilling to admit defeat. "Is that all?" asked the madam hesitantly. "i have sex better than you, madam." coolly answered the maid. With a seething rage and trembling voice, the madam asked, "did my husband say that?" The maid answered, "no, the gardener did." "Oh, so how much do you want?"
What’s all this nonsense about nothing flying at Gatwick airport.
My drone's been flying about there all morning no problem.
I proposed to my ex-wife
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention
We were better than The Cure.
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favorite Reddit sub?
IT'S FUCKING r/aww
What do you call a 45 Cents concert?
50 Cents featuring Nickel back
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.
The fifth was dead Sirius.