To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks. " The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied . "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do? Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!
He is surprised to find they are sitting there, literally just reading. "Why are you reading? How old are you?" "I'm 19 officer." "And her?" "Oh, she'll be 18 in 20 minutes."
everyone starts acting like you've been best friends since 1st grade once they see what you have.
The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign. But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet. Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins. Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet. But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed. Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me." Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila. "Now hold these in both hands," he instructed. Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole. To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, "Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."
After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win. Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points. Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been three sequels (with a forth on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion. Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points. Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory. While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/Jokes with the title "STOLEN". When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/Jokes gets all the Up votes."
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
Their words, not mine.
It just goes from bad to worse…
I’m surprised that 'Call 911' didn’t make the cut.
You use spring water.
another popes up
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
A reptile dysfunction.
Who is Niel?And Why his Armstrong?
Cashier: Hard back? Me: yea, with little heads.
"No, I'm trying to get a leg up." (my actual amputee father)
It’s really been getting out of hand.
So i got her some diet pills.
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
I told The the judge. “All my wife does every night is go out bar after bar” “What is she doing” the judge replied “Looking for me”
I’ll see you next month
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a soda comes out, who does the soda belong to… me or the machine?"
The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them “Scraps”. They started crying. Spoiled brats, it’s really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.
And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.
Hitler says "Yes." Stalin then says "Moscow." Hitler replies with "I don't get it?" Stalin laughs and says "And you never will."
Sometimes I feel like it's holding me back.
Clerk responds, "No problem, sir. This room is called 'The Lobby'"
I will not die in vein!
would I just have beer?