From the grave…
As a muffler specialist, I replied, "I'm the one that's really exhausted."
Because 7 ate(8) 9. But why did 7 eat 9? Because you have to eat 3 squared meals a day.
"Why can't I just have something normal for dinner?" he pleaded
It’s not the end of the word.
She thinks I'm digging a pond
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with one other guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” “Tiger Woods, the golfer.”
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that." The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "I'm hungry. I'm calling room service." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone. "What are you doing now?" she asks. "I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
I thought, “I can’t turn that down”
But then I saw her face…
It was an ether/oar situation.
It's not me, iReddit somewhere.
Because they inquire.
"Hi, is my table ready?" "No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?" "No, that's okay." "Great, take these salads to table six then."
It's gotten so bad that I had to take his bike away.
I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. “Jesus, lady,” says the cop. “What are you so afraid of?” The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not a fucking thing.”
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
Then she ripped it in half and said, “Never mind, it’s tearable.” I feel like I’ve succeeded as a dad.
"I wish you'd called me something else," he often says.
It really makes my day.
Guy: You're the most average girl here Girl: You're so mean Guy: No, you are
I don't think I can ever repay you.
You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?" Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger
He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus. “Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?” The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says, “My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.” The country boy replies, “My apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”
Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?
Should win a no-bell prize
You look for fresh prints.
When you replace the b with a d
But it's a price I'm willing toupée.