What do you call a boat made of penises and potatoes?
A dictatorship =3
My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years!
Never knew he was a barber
They’re attention seekers, no way their birth date is real
They’re attention seekers, no way their birth date is real
What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person.
Mostly so I can get a better girlfriend.
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
A priest, a nun, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says, "I think I'm a Type-O"
My father in law did well tonight.
NSFW At a restaurant tonight FIL: What do you call nuts on a wall? Everyone:…. FIL:Walnuts! Everyone:groan…. FIL:What do you call nuts in a chest? Everyone:… FIL:CHESTNUTS!! Everyone:… FIL:What do you call nuts on a chin?? Everyone:… FIL:A blowjob!! Everyone:Oh god no…. I'm so proud of him.
You can’t die if you roll in salt.
You'll get cured.
A gay couple is traveling on a plane. Let’s call them Steve and Bill.
"What if we had sex?" asks Steve. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Steve stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill. So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass…"
I am scared of E minor.
It gives me the E B G Bs
Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: I understand. And for the main course?
I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn
She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet
Immigrants are good cause they do jobs no American wants to do
Like fucking the president. -Jeff Ross
A blonde rings up an airline and asks: “How long are your flights from America to England?”
The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.
Why does society seem to hate lazy people?
They didn't even do anything.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank…
The rabbit says, “I think I might be type o.”
Although my friend has a lot of hair, he’s paranoid about going bald.
I told him, “It’s all in your head.”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks,
so I tried it. It doesn't.
Why did the hipster fall into the lake?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
A man dies and goes to Hell…
Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis. One day, the man comes up with his darkest, most ingenious torture ever. However, it requires removing all light from Hell. He goes over his idea with one of the demons. "I like it, I like it!" says the Demon. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am." So they go to this giant gilded door, walk in, and see a large, horned devil standing inside. Intimidated, the man starts squirming and asks, "Who is that?" "That's Beelzebub, one of the seven princes of Hell." They explain their plan to Beelzebub. "I like it, I like it!" says Beelzebub. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am." The man, the demon, and Beelzebub all go to a magnificent castle. Inside, on a chair, is an enormous horned devil more fearsome than Beelzebub. Even Beelzebub looks intimidated. "Who is that?" whispers the man. "That's Satan himself!" replies the demon. They explain their plan to Satan. "I like it, I like it!" says Satan. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am." The man, the demon, Beelzebub, and Satan all approach this magnificent stone spire, climb up it, blow a horn, and down comes a rather unassuming-looking office worker in a button-down shirt. Satan starts looking intimidated by his evilness. "Who's that?" whispers the hellbound man. "That's the guy who made Reddit's 'Promoted' ad content now appear three or five posts down the subs' feeds rather than in a banner at the top."
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
What is the strongest cereal brand?
Shredded wheat.
Why is a priests favourite number 3.14?
Because they are very pi-ous
Why is 77 better than 69?
You get 8 more!
Is the Viagra I’ve been sold fake?
As it stands, no.
A son and daughter walk up to their father.
Son: Dad which one of us do you love more? Father: My love for you is like communism. Daughter: So equally? Father: No, it collapsed 30 years ago.
What’s the most hated vegetable in the world?
Kim Jong Un