Fuck Keanu Reeves
Well, that’s the plan, anyways
what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
a labracadabrador
Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot (i posted this to r/cleanjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
How many nails are there in a lesbian’s coffin?
None, it's all tongue-and-groove.
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
Master yoda, are we on the right way??
Off course we are
Does my wife think I’m a control freak?
I haven’t decided yet…
Did you hear about the man who was arrested for stealing electricity?
He was cleared of all charges.
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel.
I went for a job interview the other day.
They asked, "Can you perform under pressure?" I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody."
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O'Furniture
A man spending his first night in prison hears other inmates calling out numbers, followed by laughter.
The next day he starts talking to one of the inmates and asks about it. The inmate explains that after a few years there was no new jokes so they decided to just number all the good ones, that way they could save time in telling the joke. That night the inmates are calling out numbers again followed by great bouts of laughter. Wanting to fit in the man calls out '22'. Everything goes quiet and the man doesn't understand why. The next day he asks his new friend what went wrong, "was 22 not a funny joke?" "22 is one of the best jokes" came the reply. "Why did no one laugh then?" Said the man "It was the way you told it."
I used to tell dad jokes.
He's dead now though.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine
Why are there two d’s in reddit?
The second one is a repost.
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
I am Barby girl in a Barby wooorld, life in plastic is fantastic!
I am Barby girl in a Barby wooorld, life in plastic is fantastic!
If you mix a lion and a tiger you get a liger. If you mix a horse and a donkey you get a mule. What happens when you mix an orangutan and a lawyer?
Nothing. The lawyer doesn't have enough human DNA.
I was going to put a vegetable joke in here
But you don't carrot all. That was corny. Don't beet yourself up about it. This is below my celery. Lettuce go our seperate ways.
Hey girl, are you a Communist?
Because I feel an uprising in my lower classes.
A man walked into a bar
And stayed there my entire childhood
I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window…..
Little did I know the window was rolled down… at least it stopped crying
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
Where does a horse go when it gets sick?
The horse-pital Just kidding it gets shot
Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck. They didn’t know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was…
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him… after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island… He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier… it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this… One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they were for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed… "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing…" the guy would say… She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him… "Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?" "Yes" she said "anything!" "Ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore" "Ok…" "Now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat" "Wha… ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly. "Ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it" She was kinda confused, but none the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat. "Now I'd like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a moustache." "Ok… if this is what you want…" she muttered. "Now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach, I'll catch up to you in a bit", he said a bit excited… She started walking… wondering… doubting herself… just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h… suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says, "DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"
How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
It's not hard
As I handed Dad his 50th birthday card..
He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "You know, one would have been enough."
Waiter: I’m glad you enjoyed your dinner. How did you find the steak?
Me: Super easy. It was right next to the potatoes.