Fuck tech-kid
My Brother’s wedding was very emotional…
Even the cake was in tiers.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fell down a cliff
Bah-dum tssssssss
A friend of mine, a mother of 4 refused to get her children vaccinated.
Edit : Mother of three.. Edit2 : Mother of two… Edit3 : Mother of one….. Edit4 : Mo.. Wait..
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
What do you call a kinky dinosaur?
A Doyouhaveasoreass
How do you turn Six into Nine?
Remove the S
Our bedtime conversation
Me: (enormous, burly fart) Her: My god, that sounds like an animal! Me: Yeah. It was a butt ox.
A porn actor calls in sick
"I can't come today"
What did the solar panel say to the soul man
SOUL POWER
I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!
I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".
I can’t believe how many people don’t understand erectile dysfunction.
I mean, it's not hard.
My son said “Look! I’m a 3D printer!”
I told him to shut the toilet door when he poops.
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
My chemistry teacher asked me what’s an acid + base.
A good party wasn't the correct answer, apparently.
I won today.
After the delivery of yet another stupid dad joke today my nine year old rolled his eyes HARD, shook his head and said, "I quit… I quit being your son." Then I found him repeating the joke to himself and immediately telling himself to shut up while grinning. It was glorious. *Edit: Asked how many choplet cook chippies he wanted. He wanted three with a glass of milk
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll
What do you call a sad coffee?
Despresso
Why does the Swedish Navy have bar codes on their ship?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?
Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”. -Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter. Yes, that’s right, Alan. -Thanks, Dad!
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
A farmer buys a young cock…
A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks all the Farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard! "The cock opens one eye,points up and says,"Shhhhhh. They're about to land!!"
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
I saw a kidnapping
I decided to let him sleep
I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.
On the left side, there is nothing right. On the right side, there is nothing left.
The more you fuck around, the more you’re gonna find out
The more you fuck around, the more you’re gonna find out
A new twist on an old joke.
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10". They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9". Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher – and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time – my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
What do forklifts and girls have in common ?
If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.
Samsung know I once bought one of their phones but they’re a bit sketchy on the details.
https://ift.tt/2ZvIt7n
I bet a butcher that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf
He refused, because the steaks were too high.
– A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing??”
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.” "And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy. “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body." The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?” "These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet." "So tell me then," added the boy. "Yes, my son…” "Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this bollocks?
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
I asked my friend nic if he had 5 cents,
But he was nicholas.
Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me