Fuck that guy
My ex-girlfriend used to beat me with stringed instruments.
I didn’t know she had a history with Violins.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
I threw my wife a bukakke party the other night…
Everybody came.. You should have seen her face
I tell my wife I’m close to 60,000 Karma on my Reddit, and she says the only Karma I need in my life is her..
I reminded her Karma's a Bitch..
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
I don’t always install solar panels for free…
But this ones on the house
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid…
[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?” – “Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot. – “Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer. – “Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”
If you run in front of a car
You will get tired. And if you run behind a car, you will get exhausted.
What does COVID and riding a motorcycle have in common?
You can do everything right but other people can still fuck you over.
The titanic went down in 60 seconds
Let that sink in for a minute
Did you hear about the two mummies who farted at the same time?
They had a toot in common. Kid loved it and I’m proud of the original content
Why is the mens bathroom always on the left?
Because women are always right.
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
Some nurses notice that when they give a comatose woman a sponge bath, her heart monitor starts beeping more when they wipe between her legs.
Out of ways to bring this woman out of her coma, the nurses decided to ask her husband if he would consider oral sex with his wife to see if that would help bring her out of her coma. He was initially hesitant, but they assured him that the curtains would be closed and no one would see. So, he decided that he would do it. The husband goes into the room, and the nurses gathered outside of the room with their eyes glued to the monitor, hoping something would come of it. Suddenly, the heart monitor flatlines. The nurses are shocked. The husband comes out of the room, and the nurses immediately ask him what happened. He responds, "I think she choked."
Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you never turn your back on your own family.
My son said that his teacher asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. I asked what he picked.
"I either want to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer" ………………. I think the little bastard found my porn stash.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I’m charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
Why do they call him Lord Vader?
Because no one could keep a straight face calling him Master Vader.
Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?
They say the business is toast.
“This egg carton has a barncode.”
https://i.redd.it/q7jnircmftq41.jpg
Scientifically a raven has 17 primary wing feathers.
The big ones at the end of the wing. These feathers are called pinion feathers. A crow has sixteen. So, the difference between a crow and a raven is only a matter of a pinion.
Fifty Shades of Gray has beat records for the fastest selling R rated movie
Well, first it tied the records up, then it beat them…
I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.
And then it dawned on me.
I love jokes about the eyes
The cornea the better
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost.
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I’m not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that’s ever served me.
With just the tip.
How much does it cost to ride Santa’s sleigh?
About eight bucks, nine during bad weather.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “How did you do that?”.
I just found out that a distant relative of mine was a cannibal and ate 3 people.
That’s a lot to digest.
There’s a new reality show where flat-earthers are trying to find the edge of the world…
They’ll be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger…
My gf left a note on the fridge: this is not working, im going to my mom’s house.
I opened the fridge's door, the light came on, the juice was cold. What the hell did she mean?
What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?
Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.