fuck you tumblr
We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.
That sounds a little far fetched
Because you can’t C in the dark.
”Will, You, Mary, Me” is a foursome proposal.
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Ask them for their watergraph.
"My pull out game is superb. Condoms are also expensive, gotta pinch pennies when you have 14 kids to feed."
Flywaii (please don't down vote me too much, my 6 year old daughter made up this joke and wanted me to post it).
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
I'm a WATT?? Sorry stole it from a pornhub comment made me laugh
There‘s one less drunk.
Dead ant, dead ant. Deadant deadant deadant, dead ant, DEAD AAAANT. Deadant.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
Sorry about the shitpost
I’m a cashew
"Keep the tip."
But when I got home all the signs were there.
I would have to change my name.
"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."
He didn't. He used the sidewalk.
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe." Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?" The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small. "Um…barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs. Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help. A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!" The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup. Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl. He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey…I'm…Tom." She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking…" she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?" He glances back at the bar. "Yeah…sorry," he pants. "I wanted…to impress you, but…it turned out to be…a pretty cheesy…pig-cup line."
The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away. I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."
…but he’s good people…
My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”
I know he means well. (Since my last well-joke did well (pun intended) I thought this would be a nice follow-up)
The barman asks : Why are your feet wet? The guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A second guy enters the bar and is wet from the knees to the toes. The barman asks: Why are you wet? The second guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A third guy enters the bar and is wet from the hips to the toes. The barman asks: Why are you wet? The third guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A fourth guy enters the bar and is completly wet. The barman says: I guess you went into the lake to get wood?! The fourth guy says: No. I'm Wood !
If you buy two packs, they'll throw in a pack of dead ones, free of charge.