FUN FACT: if you fart and sneeze at the same time
Your body takes a screenshot
When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke. When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.
People from Dubai don't like The Flintstones but those in Abu Dhabi do.
the punchline is too long
Fans will remember that
Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.
…like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.
Now I don't know where I am.
St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven. If not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct The philosopher disappeared and went to hell. The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared. The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct. The mathematician also went to hell. The idiot stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from ?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." The idiot went to Heaven.
A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was that they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn't drive for shit.
They prefer cooked men
I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?
"What's another word for an overloaded mailman? 16 across". "How many letters?", she replies. "Thousands I'd imagine."
But sadly none of them work.
No text found
My middle child, who loves rice, declined the yellow rice we offered him because apparently he only likes one type of rice. Without missing a beat my daughter (11 y/o) exclaimed, "stop being rice-ist." My job is done, clearly there is no more I can teach her.
my shower gets turned on.
Holding cows together
Now I want to break three.
It meant the world to me
So I packed up my stuff and right.
This guy has serious issues with pulling out.
When I called customer service about it they said, “ oh that’s just a freebie.”
You use a pumpkin patch.
The Imam says “Why the wrong faith?”
But the reception was amazing.
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’ She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ‘Do you have a vagina’? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, ‘Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again’ The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it’ She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. ‘Do you have a vagina’? ‘Yes’ she says. The man replied, ‘That’s great! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’
Now he has toadal recall.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
but it was actually just 'some bees'
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
Very strong, and given proper credit for their contributions in both the home and the workplace.