How did the farmer catch his cheating wife?
He tractor down.
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
Are iron chelators indicated in primary and secondary hemochromatosis or just secondary?
Zanki GI deck insinuates iron chelators are used for primary hemochromatosis, but the zanki pharm deck says you dont normally use them in primary hemochromatosis, and mainly just in secondary or iron toxicity.
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners.
But Catscan.
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work………
I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered…
that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
“Timmy, what’s 119+1?” Asked the teacher.
"5!" Yelled Timmy. "Yes Timmy, that is correct."
I’m not sure what confused the mailman more…
the fact that I came to the door naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
Can vegans eat pudding?
No! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!?
I asked Siri why I was still single
She turned on the front camera
Trump & Obama are in a barber shop…
Getting fresh cuts and shaves. They’re sitting right next to each other. Everyone is on edge; nobody is saying a word. Trump’s shave finishes first and the barber asks if he wants aftershave. Trump smells it and says “No way! That stuff smells like a whorehouse! I go home smelling like that and Melania’s going to think I was up all night fucking whores bigly! It will get me in so much trouble!” Obama’s shave finishes and his barber asks Obama if he wants aftershave. Obama says, “Sure! My wife doesn’t know what a whorehouse smells like.”
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
What a stark contrast between a functional Government and the Trump administration
https://ift.tt/3bfP76d
What do you call it when a midget gives head?
A below job
A sexual predator, a racist and a Russian spy walk into a bar.
The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago….
…since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
After getting all of the Popes luggage loaded into the limo…
…the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" Chief: "What makes you think it's God?" Cop: "He's got the fucking Pope as a chauffeur!!"
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol IS a solution.
Why did the sperm go to class?
Because I wore the wrong socks today.
A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman…
The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better…" and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956…". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
Mom, what’s dark humor?
Mom: Well son, you see that man over there with no arms? Go tell him to clap. Son: But, Mom! I'm blind! Mom: Exactly.
What do a priest and a silver medalists have in common?
They both came in a little behind
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up…
They’d be alloys!
What do you mean June is over?
Julying…
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
Circumcised people get their foreskin….
[removed]
She texted me: “your adorable” I responded saying “no. YOU’RE adorable”
Now she thinks I like her even though I was just correcting her grammar.
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
where have you been for the last 20 years?