funniest shit i’ve ever seen
They should stock ATMs better…
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
#textblob #python #translator Spell Checker & Languages Translator pro…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcgtoxRXnRk&feature=share
I named my eraser Confidence.
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make.
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car
a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis".
The Queen of England
The Queen of England was visiting one of London's top hospitals recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blowjob. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. “You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work… The ass hole is usually in charge.
People say I have a dad-bod
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver
I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero. But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke
Should get a no bell prize
If you are ever confronted by a group of clowns at night…
…always go for the juggler…
Hello everyone! I’m a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.
I will be in my Lab if you need me.
Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.
Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species. Myneckisaur. This is my first dad joke post 🙂
How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work
I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding
He said "suit yourself."
Put a load in the dishwasher earlier
My wife prefers to call it intercourse
My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”
I used to live on the 13th floor but have just moved up to the 14th.
But that’s another storey.
[At the museum] My wife: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
I saw my kid reading Fahrenheit 451. I asked him, “How do you like it?”
He said, “This book is lit.”
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
A mother is invited by her son, Dave, for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Dave volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Dave saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." said Dave. So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you "DID" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "DID NOT" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Dave Several days later, Dave received a response email from his mother which read: Dear SON, I'm not saying that you "DO" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "DO NOT" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if SHE was sleeping in her OWN BED, SHE would have found the sugar bowl by now!!
I asked the Deacon’s wife, “would you have sex with me for one million dollars? “
Hmmm . . .a million dollars is a lot of money. I could do a lot of good with that. Would it just be the one time? Yeah I guess I would for a million dollars. How about $20? $20? Are you serious? What kind of woman do you think I am? We’ve already established what kind of woman you are. Now we’re just negotiating the price.
I snacked on fire ants and now I have heart burn!
Guess I should take an antacid….
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts
I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.
A priest, an alcoholic, and a child molester walk into a bar…
And that's just the first guy.
Went to the restroom in a restaurant and saw a sign that said “Employees must wash hands”
I waited as long as I could but nobody came, so I just washed them myself.
Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.
Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years. “Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there? “What, are you lying?” “Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son” Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after some time she starts wondering why Johnny hasn’t tried to take things to the next level. “Johnny, are you attracted to me? We’ve been together for months and you haven’t tried sleeping with me yet. Is something wrong?” Johnny replies, “When I was younger, my dad told me that girls have teeth, you know, down there. “That’s silly”, she says, “let me show you”. So she starts to strip from the waist down, lies back and spreads her legs. “See! No teeth!” Johnny looking horrified says “ Well no wonder! Look at the state of your gums!!!”
I love to tell Dad jokes
But he never laughs at any of them.
One in 3 Americans
weighs as much as the other two combined
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
So today I asked my wife if she knew of any krutches I could borrow for the upcoming office party.
Her: what are you supposed to be dressed up as? Me: a walking dad joke. Her: …? Me: I'd be kind of lame.
Today I said to my (male) colleague, when he was dressing
Looking sharp looking fresh, 10 out of 10 would smash!
What do you call a rectangle that got into an accident?
… a wrecked angle.
Where’s the best place in France to take in the sights?
The Eyeful Tower. …ok, that one was bad. Paris-itic, even.
What’s the most nerdy dinosaur?
A thesaurus.
From my 9yo. How do you tell someone was cutting wood?
You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)
I don’t like people that take drugs.
Airport security, for example.
How do volcanos feel about jokes?
They LAVA good joke!