Funnt title
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’ they hatin’
My partner and I can never agree on vacations.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
What did Kim Jong Un say on his death bed?
My Korea is over
I told my wife she’s been painting her eyebrows on a little too high.
She seemed surprised.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
She hugged me.
The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
Thank goodness we have “judge” Jeanine Pirro to help us with the legal language.
https://ift.tt/2tO6Ql2
Say “Rise up lights” out loud.
Congratulations, you can now say razor blades in Australian.
I’m just going to get some cigarettes
I’ll be right back
I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.
And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
No girl from Alabama is into doing reverse cowgirl
They don’t like turning their back on family
Officer: Where did the hacker escape to?
Me: I don't know, he just ransomware.
If I had a Delorean
I’d probably only drive it from time to time…
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunning pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks."You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," She replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
Day Job
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year
Why are people with foot fetish losers?
Because they like to taste defeat.
Shot my first turkey today..
scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section
Man asks the Waitress: “Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
The waitress slaps his face and answers really pissed: "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
Dad, are we Pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee
Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead
Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail?
When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail
What do you call a seizing cow?
Beef jerky.
A British doctor says: “In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job.”…
…The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job." The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job." The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
And he orders a beer
A time traveler walks into a bar
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
/r/Jokes/comments/fxvl3o/i_asked_my_friend_the_baker_what_is_the_key_to/
