funny
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiots house. Knock Knock. Who's there? Bawk Bawk Bawkaw
Had my Tesla stolen the other day
Now it's an Edison
Why is dark spelt with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Did you know that the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France or America?
They were cooked in Greece.
So, I got married once..
To a solid 7/10. She wanted kids right away. Gets her wish, so fast forward 9 months, baby is on the way. I am in the waiting room because I couldn't handle it. I see my child for the first time. Told her she could name the baby anything she wanted and she tells the doctor that her name is 'Love'. Wife isn't a hippy or anything and I'm not a huge fan, but fuck it, I promised her. Fast forward 10 years. Love comes back from school crying. I ask her what's wrong. Says she is being bullied because of her name. I cheer her up with some ice cream. Problem solved and best dad award achieved. Fast Forward 7 more years. Love has turned into a 9/10. She dresses normal. Always wears red nail polish. But she is shy, very shy. She is still mocked constantly because of her not so ordinary name. She comes home from school one day, obviously disturbed. I ask her if it's about her name. She says nothing and just kisses me on the cheek and leaves. First time she has kissed me since she was a baby. Just wasn't her thing. Then, I hear my wife pulling in. She is home early from work. I hear the door open from daughter's room. The door then opens from garage. Loud blast goes off directly behind me. I fall to the ground. Wife looks at me and screams. I look down and see bullet through my chest. Love says something about her name. I look up at my still beautiful wife and I say: Shot through the heart And you're to blame You gave Love …a bad name
People have called me a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
When women wear bikinis, they expose about 96% of their bodies.
But men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
What do you call a paralysed gay man?
A tomato, because most people will look at him and see a vegetable, but he's really a fruit.
I don’t understand why people are celebrating pi day.
It's irrational.
“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.
No text found
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter explained, “You died in your sleep, Bob.” Bob was stunned, “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back and that is as a chicken." Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past, "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad." replied Bob the hen. "But I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating." explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?!" "Never!" said Bob. "Well, just relax and let it happen." says the rooster. "It's no big deal." Bob did and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, "BOB!! Wake up!! You've shit the bed!"
As a spanish speaking dude I really appreciate when people approach me and say “mucho”.
It means a lot to me.
A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.
I replied, "Mate, it's 2020, you can use any printer you want."
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to you lock calmly because
Communication is key
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?
In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
What borders on stupidity?
Mexico and Canada.
Genders are just like the twin towers…
There used to be two, but now its a sensitive subject.
Bindi Irwin got married!
That's a ray of hope!
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped?
Can’t be spotted
What is the happiest number?
4. Euphoria.
I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer
Hear the one about those corduroy pillows?
Been leaving headlines everywhere
They said i couldnt bring outside snacks into the theater…
But I've got a few twix up my sleeve!
I just said “No comment” all the way through the police interview.
I didn't get the job.
My wife just threw away my favourite herb.
She's such a Thyme waster
I don’t often tell Dad jokes.
It's because I haven't seen him in 15 years.
What is Forrest Gump password
1forrest1
Dad joked by my toddler….a proud day
Wife made asian food for dinner last night, Tofu/Rice/Veggies/Chicken Wontons. Toddler is killing the wontons and we teach him how to say "wonton" so he can ask for more correctly. As he's stuffing another piece into his mouth I ask him "hey bubba, do you like wontons?" To which my son replies, "No..like twotons" My son's first joke and it's a dad joke…i'm just so proud lol….
A joke I made up that’s funny only when you look back at it.
This guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem", The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?" The guys says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!" "That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certainly fix th…" "Wait! Here's the weird thing though" the guy interrupts, "Everything is blurry. EVERYTHING. Except… People's butts. People's butts, dogs butts, cats butts. Butts! I see butts clearly! What's going on?" The Optometrist smiles and calmly replies, "Listen, you've got nothing to worry about. Everyone knows that hindsight is 20/20."
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
Why did it take Russia so long to invade Germany?
They were Stalin.
Exasperated, I showed him the picture and pleaded, “Doctor, all of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!”
He acknowledged grimly, "Indeed, that's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen."
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely…
…if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Apparently my snoring is so loud that
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving
