Funny ahahhaahah
I once had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
Cop: do you know why i pulled you over?
Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy Cop: there's a man in your trunk Me: yea a š§ššš man
Why did the big bird feel left out?
Because he was ostrich sized
Did you hear about the new movie āConstipationā?
It Hasnāt come out yet. But Critics are saying itās crap. And thereās a sequel…. āNumber 2ā
My Buddhist friend just gave me a āNirvanaā scented candle.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Why don’t ghosts go into gyms?
Because people are exorcising.
I edited my pig’s genes to make it taste better
you might even say the bacon is CRISPR
I only lasted a month at the calender factory.
They fired me after taking a day off
A man decides to treat himself one day and buys a ticket to the Superbowl.
He bought the ticket the day of and got a seat in the nosebleeds. He arrived a little late to the game and as he was entering the stadium he noticed a man with an empty seat right behind his teams bench. Ever the opportunist he walks over and asks the man if the seat's taken. "It isn't actually," the man replies. "You mind if I sit there?" "It's actually supposed to be my wife's seat, we haven't missed a Superbowl in 30 years." The man then asks why she isn't with him. "Well, sadly she died quite recently." "I'm sorry to hear that." The man says. "But you couldn't find a single friend or family member to sit with you?" "Unfortunately not," the man says, "They're all at the funeral."
Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family. The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.
Clean.
http://bit.ly/2UPYocB
Four mates go camping but they all hate to cook. So, they draw straws to see who cooks first. But, they agree that whoever cooks first will keep cooking until someone complains, and then the person that complains will take over cooking duties…
So, Dave draws the short straw and cooks on the first night. He puts in some effort and the mates are rapturous in their reviews. āAmazingā says John āBest meal everā says Phil āI wish my wife could cook like thisā says Sam. Dave is flattered but can see that theyāre gaming him. So the next night he puts in no effort at all. āI didnāt think you could top last night but you haveā says John āHave you been taking classes because this is phenomenalā says Phil āKeep cooking like this and Iāll marry youā says Sam. They all laugh but Dave knows that the whole trip will now be him cooking. The third night, Dave takes a dump, rolls it in spices and then fries it. He plates it up and hands out the plates. Johnās teeth are the first to sink into the turd, and as his brain registers what it is, he spits it out and screams, āMy god, this is SHIT!ā He quickly looks at the three faces staring back at him and says ābut beautifully cooked.ā
What’s it called when a hooker farts?
A prosti-toot
The doctors said that my blood was type-A
But that was a type-O
I have a chicken proof lawn
It's impeccable
Someone looked at me at the store today and yelled “SIX FEET!”
I said "6' 2", but good guess."
My daughter really changed a lot after becoming a vegan.
Itās like Iāve never seen herbivore.
Do you need an ark?
I Noah guy.
If you have more than one cellphone,
You're a multicellular organism.
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank…
The rabbit says, āI think I might be type o.ā
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decaffeinated
A blonde was touring a farm…
…and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?" "There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."
A sexual predator, a racist and a Russian spy walk into a bar.
The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"ļ»æ
Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn’t alive ?
Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran- Grandpa – it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.
Park rangers told us not to leave any wrappers inside the car because bears might break in…
Bears must really like Hip-Hop.
