Funny and a little morbidly sad…
Roses are black, violets are black
I suck at gardening
On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife…
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
I saw my son scratching his knee
I asked him if he had a 123. Confused, he looked at me and asked what I meant. I stared back and said, you have an ichi ni san.
What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs?
He was lacktoes intolerant.
Trumpets and Gun
ย In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?""What do you mean strange?""Because you sell only trumpets and guns!""So?""Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?""It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
Ok,so if corona virus isnโt about beer,
Why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
The man saw a woman standing sheepishly in the corner, avoiding his gaze. He could tell she had butterflies in her stomach as he walked over to her. He took her by the hand, and led her to the door.
Saying "YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM THE BUTTERFLY EXHIBIT YOU SICK FUCK!"
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was โItโs worth it to spend money on good speakers.โ
That was some sound advice.
I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
Before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything'
Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.
And thereโs notre dame thing they can do about it.
To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.
This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.
I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises…
Other than jumping to conclusions.
We all know the show was called Spongebob Squarepants
But the star was Patrick
I was addicted to soap once.
Now Iโm clean
In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.
All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
What happened to the dull knife’s application
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
The โAvengers: Endgameโ trailer had 289 million views in 24 hours.
It would have been 578 million views, but…
Have you ever tried blind folded archery?
You don't know what you're missing
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's full groan
I love to set things on fire. So does my wife. So does our kid.
The first time he set a building on fire, I turned to my wife and said, "yep, that's arson."
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G
Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.
Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
As I suspected, someoneโs been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens