Funny and sad
An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm
He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"ย Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."ย Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"ย Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."ย Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"ย Boy just laughs and keeps walking.ย That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.ย Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.ย Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"ย Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."ย Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"ย Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."ย Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"ย Boy just laughs and keeps walking.ย That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.ย Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.ย Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"ย Boy says "It's a pussy willow."ย Old man says "Wait up … I'll get my hat."
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can't opener.
Eat a garlic clove with every meal to stop the Coronavirus
It won't do anything to protect you from getting sick, but people will stay six feet away
A man walks into a pet store to buy 12 bees
After he just bought 12 bees, the pet owner gave him 13 bees. The man asked the pet owner why he was given an extra bee. The pet owner answered,โThe last oneโs a free bee.โ
My wife always screams during sex
But, itโs usually when I walk in
Iโve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think Iโm an airport building.
Hope itโs not terminal.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
Well, it's not hard.
If you slap Dwayne Johnson’s ass
You hit rock bottom
When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery?
Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
A dwarf walks into a bar, he’s very, very thirsty.
The dwarf approaches the counter. It's very high up, so he can't see the other side. He tries anyway and says: "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He tries to jump as high as he can, saying "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He jumps up and down, saying every time he gets to the top, "Can I have a Coke please?" (still no answer) He's fed up, so he goes around the counter, and on the other side… …he sees another dwarf, jumping up and down saying, "Is Pepsi OK?" PS: Google tells me that "dwarf" and "little person" are equally non-offensive. Feel free to educate me if it's the wrong term.
Two Dragons walk into a bar
Dragon 1: It's hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
I was telling my wife how sometimes I feel really high and sometimes I feel really low.
"Dear, get off the swing" she said.
I called Serena Williams to interview her for a magazine article and asked, โSo Serena, Whatโs your favorite planet?โ
Her: Itโs Venus. Me: Iโm sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?
There was once a man who read no books
He roamed around as the most popular guy in the town. One day, his friend told recommended him a book, telling him that he "must read it!!" So he did. A while later, he went back to his friend, telling him that he had read it. Suddenly, a bunch of his friends dropped out of his life, like magic. Curious about his, he told another one of his friends that he had read it. Just like that, BAM! He now had half the friends that he used to have. He went around telling people, until no one knew him except for the guy who had recommended him the book. In tears, he asked him what had happened. His friend replied, "oh, didn't I tell you?" "Tell me what?" "People who use "read it" have no friends."
How much does it cost to ride Santaโs sleigh?
About eight bucks, nine during bad weather.
What’s the difference between “comma” and “coma”?
The length of the pause.
I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it wonโt work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, โGive me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.โ
The bank manager said to the clerk, โYouโd better do what he says, I think he means business.โ
I overheard someone saying that a truck carrying Scrabble games overturned on route.
At least thatโs the word on the street.
In Avatar, Aang is 112 years old
Some call him "Boomer Aang"
Now that people are isolated and bored they make a lot more dad jokes
It's a true pundemic
What do you call the verses added to a song to make it longer?
Extension chords
Did you guys see the preview for the movie about the worlds biggest 18-wheeler?
It was one really long trailer.
If life gives you melons…
You might have dyslexia.
3d printers can print guns now
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.