Funny at first, but when you start to think about it…
How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?
One. It's a trick question.
Ban pre shredded cheese.
Make America grate again!
6:30 is the best time on a clock
Hands down.
Two cartoonists fought each other to death and the police are investigating
The details are pretty sketchy and the reports are saying it ended in a draw
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “What? A miracle?!”
I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
Whats the difference between a Cactus and a School bus?
A cactus has all the little pricks on the outside.
Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day …
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
I don’t know why they haven’t put any advertisements on the hulk
He is essentially a giant banner
Who’s Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Why shouldn’t you tell knock knock jokes to chefs?
They don't have the thyme for that, just cumin.
Hans, Is That You?
The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI. In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas." The next day, an American soldier called out, "Hans!?" A German popped up and shouted back, "Ja?!" Boom, the German was shot dead. The next day the Americans shouted again, "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead. This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on. The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked, "What is a popular American name?" "John!" replied another. The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted, "John!?" An American called back, "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" And that is how the Americans won WWI.
Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch. The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat. Pope: Sorry about the mix up. Clinton: No problem. Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven. Clinton: Why's that? Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. Clinton: You're a day late.
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
I told my boss I was coming in to work dressed as my dad for Halloween.
I didn’t show up.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
A blonde rings up an airline and asks: “How long are your flights from America to England?”
The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.
A little boy told his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.
"How did you know it was dead?" his teacher asked "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move." the boy said. "You did what?!" the teacher shrieked. "You know," the boy explained, "I leaned over and went 'Psst!' in its ear and it didn't move!"
A woman sent two ties to her son in law.
Some weeks later, she invited him and her daughter over for dinner and in an attempt to impress his mother-in-law, the son-in-law wore one of the ties she’d sent him. The meal was extremely tense and uncomfortable with the mother-in-law maintaining a stony silence. Finally she spoke, “Alright then, what was wrong with the other tie?”
If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught for half of them.
Because sin90 = cot45.
Why do atheists struggle with exponents?
They don’t believe in a higher power.
Never say c’rona virus.
That's how I contracted it.
I was beaten up by a busty women in an elevator.
I was staring at her boobs when she said “would you please press one?” So I did.
Ok brace yourselves for an absolute travesty of a joke, said during bathtime after water got into my daughter’s eyes.
I told my wife: There's the captain water, and the crewmember water. The captain water says: "All right crewmembers, do you know where you have to go?" The crewmember water replies: "Eye eye, sir!" This earned me a proper facepalm from my wife which I shall wear proudly as a badge of honor and now share here with you.
How does NASA throw parties?
They planet.
A man with authority walks into a bar..
He orders everyone a round.
What did cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come.
Every psychic I visit is either really angry or really sad.
I’d like to find a happy medium.
I identify as an elongated fish.
People say I'm mentally eel.
I’ve always wanted to swim in a ocean of soda.
It's my fanta-sea
Today I got complaints about my dog chasing people on a bike
I immediately took away his bike
What has six wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
You can’t spell advertisements without semen..
..between the tits.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
Kobe Bryant’s death was an important and historic occasion.
It marked the first time he's passed in years.