Funny, but also sad because it’s true.
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
“Several years ago, you could smoke in bars”
"Dad, what is a bar?" … "Dad, are you crying?"
,,,,,
Chameleon
Figured out I was adopted the other day. Decided to confront my dad about it.
I told him "Dad, I found the paperwork. I know" Dad said "What paperwork? What did you find?" "I'm adopted" He replied "Hi adopted! I'm- oh, wait. Nevermind."
Women treat me like God.
My existence is ignored except for when they need something.
I used to bang a set of twins…
People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.
Women are like grenades…
Remove the ring and your house is gone.
Son: What rhymes with orange?
Dad: No, it doesn’t
Three inmates are on the train to the gulag.
One of them decides to start a conversation. “So what did you guys do to end up here? I came to the factory late and they accused me of slowing down the revolution.” The second man says: “I arrived at the factory to early and they accused me of trying to rush the revolution.” The third man says: “I arrived at the factory right on time and they accused me of having a western watch.”
A man buys a lie detector robot
That slaps people who lie, and be decides to try it out on his son during dinner. “Where were you during school hours?” He asks. “At school!” His son replies. The robot slaps the boy. “Ok I was at my friends house….” His son says. “What were you doing there? “Reading comics!” The robot slaps the son again. “Ok ok!! We were watching an erotic movie…” “What?? I didn’t even know erotic movies existed when I was your age!” The dad exclaims. The robot quickly slaps him. His wife laughs and says, “Wow, he really IS your son-“ The robot slaps the wife.
A horse walks into a bar…
The bartender said “Hey”, then the horse “you read my mind buddy.”
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you won't get bored there
Have you met Bruce Lee’s vegan brother?
He’s called Broco Lee.
Conjoined twins are level-headed people.
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Can a ninja throw stars?
Shurikan
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian
Then Soviet
Hey, fork you.
I'm sorry, that wasnt very knife.
What happened to the frogs car when it broke down?
It got toad away.
I went to the doctors the other day because I cant stop showing off.
They prescribed me some anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
Why don’t dinosaurs talk ?
Because they're dead
A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke
Dog: Tell me a joke Man: Don’t be silly, you’re a dog Dog: Oh, go on Man: You’re a dog, you won’t understand Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese Man: OK. Knock Knock Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof……….
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
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Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
To the person that stole my broken bathroom scale,..
You won’t get a weigh with this!
My favorite sex position is called “WOW”…
It’s when I flip your MOM over.
TIL: If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Me: What’s the WiFi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure, how much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what’s the WiFi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase. EDIT: format
I watched a documentary on frogs the other day
It was ribbiting.
A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.
He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools – Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father, "Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?" "Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to have any fun at all." "What about Hampden-Sydney?" "Well, it's an all guys school, so unless you're into that, I wouldn't be too confident." "Well, Alabama has to have something, right?" "Alabama!" the father says with a chuckle. "Well, at Alabama, I'd say your chances of getting laid are pretty relative!"
My dad died recently.
He was in an accident and lost a lot of blood but nobody knew his blood-type. I’ll never forget his inspirational last words, “Be positive”.
Do you know what the generic name for Viagra is?
Mycoxafloppin
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
It was the end of my Korea. I'm still China find another job.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saurus
A man tells his friend, “I know a guy who has a small dick and sounds like an owl.”
His friend asks, "Who?"
