Funny, but also sad because it's true.

A man came home from work one afternoon.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I’m the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious desert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” The wife replied, “The fucking funeral director would be my first guess!”

Why do fish do bad in school?

They are bellow the C level.

that’s not even the right template.

My son refused to join the family DJ business, but then, returned 6 months later, begging for a job…

Oh, how the turntables!

This one made me dry heave.

https://ift.tt/37uMVGb

What breed of dog will unlock your front door?

Yorkie

Error

https://ift.tt/2JprjRz

Every day we are further from good memes

f a t

https://ift.tt/2OZtJJL

I never believed my friend would steal from his job as a road worker

but then I started to see the signs

why did the latino man go to the therapist?

to talk about hispanic attacks.

cries in dihydrogen dioxide

https://ift.tt/351dCCo

I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.

Hope it’s not terminal.

Finally found one in real life

https://ift.tt/35GJBab

My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?

Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.

First!

https://ift.tt/3b2rmOP

Why did The Rock break up with his girlfriend?

Because she took him for granite.

Kid: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron? Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain… do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.

But the ungrateful bitch spat it out.

it wasn’t even all that funny in the beginning

Naah this is dumb funny

Been building a quarantine stash since January. Wife stopped telling me I over-reacted this week. I’m not as happy about being right as I thought I would be….

https://ift.tt/2xEnS6X

My wife was upset with me last night for kicking ice cubes under the appliances instead of picking them up…

…but this morning it’s just water under the fridge

OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor

This decision was based on feedback from both users and moderators.If you have any feedback or comments on how the sub is doing, or how it’s being run, please comment below.phone bad

Online coding bootcamp image vs reality

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awOI37Uvj0M&feature=youtu.be

Oi lads I’ve found a Spanish chair!!

This should be posted once a month.

https://ift.tt/2usSbfq

MY SENSE OF HUMOUR IS BROKEN 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🔥🔥🔥🔥

At the therapist’s office, I asked my wife, “You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, won’t you?”

Her: Yes Me: I knew it!

“No, I don’t think I will”

https://ift.tt/2QY9Rs3

Found on Facebook

https://ift.tt/38YF8Sn

What did Burt’s wife say when he asked if she wanted dessert?

Ouch

Been laughing at this for DAYS!

One of my dads favorite jokes….

A young man from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in San Antonio." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down to see how things went. "How many sales did you make today?" The young man replied without hesitating, "One." "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?" "$101,237.64" "What the hell did you sell?!?" "First I sold him a bag of #8 fish hooks, then I sold him a bag of #1 fish hooks, then I sold him a set of lures. I then sold him a new fishing rod. After I asked where he was going fishing and he told me he was going to the coast, I told him he would be best off with a boat, so I brought him over to the sea craft department and sold him that 24' twin engine Yamaha. He was doubtful that his Silverado could manage it, so I took him down to automotive and got set him up with the 4×4 F350." "A guy came in here to buy some fish hooks and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No sir, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!"