Funny, but also sad because it’s true.
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't workout.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
Got fired from my job at the coffee factory
Boss said it was because I had no filter
I invented a new type of car…
Me: "I invented a new car. It's powered by silence!" My friend: "Wow, this is going to revolutionize the industry!" Me: "Yeah, it goes without saying."
Me and my girlfriend are just too different…
I exist and she doesn't
What’s the difference between the Queen of England and a computer cable?
One's a British WASP, and the other is a USB.
What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer?
The serial killer might listen if you plead with them
How do kids tell you their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
I bought my daughter a locket and put her picture in it.
Now she is independent.
“Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room.”
"Thanks Grandpa!" "Why did you call me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
![The Invisible Man [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/74snu9ek96b41-400x433.png)
I went to a seminar about unlocking my Chakras
It was really eye-opening
What’s the difference between my husband and Gollum?
A ring actually means something to Gollum.
What do gay horses eat?
Horse dick.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
A sea-saw…
My son asked me what an updog was.
I told him it was an older version of a henway. “What’s a henway?” My son asked. “About 5 pounds” I replied.
A tree’s first winter must be terrifying.
Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.
What’s a cop’s favorite type of sweater?
A pullover.
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
Three men died and ended up in Hell…
They were greeted by a fallen angel who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity… as long as you don't step on a frog." The men all agreed to not step on any frogs and they went on their way. The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up stepping on a frog. The fallen angel appeared and tied the ugliest woman he could find to the man's wrist. The second man lasted a week before he stepping on a frog as well. The fallen angel appeared and tied another extremely ugly woman to his wrist. The third man went years without ever stepping on a frog. Out of the blue, the fallen angel appeared with the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen and tied her to his wrist. The man asked, "What ever did I do to deserve such a reward?" The woman turned to the man and said, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a frog."
Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
And then they call me ugly and poor.
How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, because the change starts with you.
bert: “do you want some ice cream?”
ernie: "sherbert"
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her. The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.” So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards, they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
As screenshot of a share of a photo of a computer with a bad joke on facebook
https://ift.tt/2MZuMbF
I saw glass coffins are now a thing and I wonder if they’ll be popular?
Remains to be seen
There’s only a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will understand this.
nothing tops a plain hotdog
No text found
I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.
He wasn’t happy
Dave walks into a bar
He is served a pint of lager. "1 penny please" said the barman "1 penny? a pint of lager is just 1 penny? said Dave "That's right, all beers are just a penny today" said the barman. after he had about 5 pints, he asks for a bottle of wine "That's also a penny a bottle, in fact you can have 3 bottles of wine for just 2 pennies" said the barman. Dave can't believe it, this is the greatest bar ever. He orders 100 bottles and still has change in his wallet. "How much for a whiskey" he asks "Whiskey is free today, in fact all spirits are free..what would you like? said the barman Dave orders every full bottle from all the shelves and calls for a taxi to take him home and to load up all the booze. Before he leaves he says to the barman "Sir, you are the greatest bar owner I have ever met" "Oh I'm not the owner" said the barman "I just work here" "Where's the owner?" asks Dave "He's in a hotel somewhere with my wife" "What's he doing with her there there?" asks Dave The barman replied "The same thing I'm doing to his business"
My wife just left me for an Indian man.
I'm sure he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
What do a girlfriend and a forklift have in common ?
If you don't have one, you have to unload by hand
Why should you never be abducted by a group of mime artists
Because they'll do unspeakable things to you.
A crow was arrested an put behind bars.
His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him. "How bad is it?" The crow asked. "Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone." "So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide." "They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer bird said. "So now it's a crime to ask my fellow crows to hang?" The crow exclaimed. "They were all to busy anyway" "You're lucky they were." The lawyer bird replied "They've got you on attempted murder!"
META
https://ift.tt/2oS0zTc
Why didn’t Obi-Wan forgive Darth Maul for killing his master?
He wasn't willing to let Qui-Gons be bygones.
