Funny idea. Excellent idea.
My friend said, “I’ll never buy from a store that assigns genders to kids’ beds!”
I said, “Boycott?” Him: That’s what I mean.
Been out washing the car with my son.
He said Dad why don’t you use a sponge like the other dads?
My computer said my password is insecure.
Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.
When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.
Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.
The Greeks invented the threesome
But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses inside him
The doctor described his condition as stable!
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
I just bought a mentos 24 pack for my family.
Best trade ever.
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
A drunk man staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he’s right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it.
"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun and give ya what for!" And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way. Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the back and saw the whole thing. He doesn't want any trouble, so he calls up a couple of friends, and together they take the big crucifix down and hide it. As an afterthought, the priest leaves a small desk crucifix in its place. Sure enough, the drunk man comes back with his shotgun. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the tiny crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right in front of it, he leans over real close and says, "Hey, kid, where's yer dad at?"
What was the tallest mountain in the world until Mount Everest was discovered?
Mount Everest. It just hadn't been discovered yet. (compliments of my 8 year old)
^((25[0-5]|2[0-4][0-9]|[01]?[0-9][0-9]?)\.){3}(25[0-5]|2[0-4][0-9]|[01]?[0-9][0-9]?)$
https://ift.tt/2CdxXGY
This girl keeps coming into my pub holding up protest posters.
I think I'm going to banner.
Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.
They fuck you once a month for 25 years, they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend, and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.
What do you call a mermaid that hosts a radio show?
A podcaster.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. “Not a chance!” says the husband. “It’s three o’clock in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!" "Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes." comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here, on the swing."
I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
Yesterday I went
to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Why cant Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he is married
How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions. 6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.' Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.' 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct. 49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn). 19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page. 11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here. 24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs. 44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you. 12 to post F. 8 to ask what F means. 36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs. 15 People to post "I can't see S$%!" and use their own light bulbs. 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$" 4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?". 13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs." 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments. 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views. 5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously. 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building…
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 cent featuring Nickelback
Someone broke into my house and stole my anti depression pills
I hope they're happy
Maybe the phrase shooting fish in a barrel comes from Americans…
Because fish swim in schools.
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was motherfucking gold
A guy walks into an empty bar…
He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say….."nice pants!" He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar. Then he hears….."your hair looks great!" Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears….."I like your tie!" At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?" The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess." The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts". "The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused. "Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender….. "they're complimentary" 🙂
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
Give a man a fish, and he won’t see you dump the body in the lake.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll be the only one at the crime scene when the police arrive.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station The other is a busty crustacean