Funnyandsad [oc]
Please don’t make pandemic jokes
They aren't funny unless everyone gets it
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
"I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver. "No way! Get lost!" replied the boy. "How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked. "I said no way," replied the boy. "What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver. "No, I’m not getting in the car," answered the boy. "Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered. "No!" replied the boy. "What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver. The boy replied: "Listen, Dad, you bought the Prius, you live with it!"
What do you call an unvaccinated Italian?
Marco Polio
Thank god this guy is going to have sex with a billionaire actress half his age.
https://ift.tt/2yRNP3u
Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins.
Fetus Repeatus.
How long does a jousting match last?
Until knight fall.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, because men can be feminists too.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given
These two guys at the golf course were talking about their blood sugar levels, while they prepared for their opening shots.
Silence fell as they put their stands in the grass, and when I looked closer at these stands I saw the design of them. Yellow and black, with wings attached to the sides. "Those stands are hideous," I said out loud, but neither of them heard me. I think they had dire bee tees.
Once i told a hammer joke
I nailed it.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward
That’s just how I roll
What do you call a group of mountains?
Hilarious.
A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, “Don’t eat candy, kid. It’s not good for you.”
The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97." "Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?" The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."
So a group of nuns is golfing near some men
A man swings his club and fails to hit the ball. Man: God damnit, I missed. A nun shakes her head in disapproval. The man swings again and misses yet again Man: Damnit, I missed again! Nun: Sir, if you keep on swearing like that, you're gonna go to hell. The man then laughs and dismisses the nun's comment. He makes one more attempt at hitting the ball, but to no avail. Man: God fucking damnit! The sky then goes dark, a lightning bolt strikes the nun, and you can hear a thundery voice say, "God damnit, I missed."
I went to a beestore to buy bees
The shopkeeper gave me 13 instead of the 12, I requested. When I asked him what the last one was for. He told me it was a freebie.
After some pondering and experiments, I’ve made a conclusion that I can no longer reach my original weight.
8 lbs 9 oz is an unrealistic goal anyways.
I was told i could look at an eclipse with a colander.
I tried it and it just strained my eyes.
[NSFW] My office had an OSHA violation
It's Not Safe For Work
What is this, some kind of Boomer joke that I’m too Millennial to understand?
https://ift.tt/2H77fSO
What do you call a fat psychic?
A 4-chin-teller
I have made myself too many places to store books.
I have no shelf control.
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Steve replied, “I wish I was rich!” The genie nodded and said, “What’s your second wish?”
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
Officer stops a man for speeding— notices he’s not wearing his required prescription glasses.
Officer says, "I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses." Driver says, "But Officer, I have contacts." Officer says, "I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket."
