FunnyandSad
How do you measure how heavy a chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
People in Germany were hoarding sausage and cheese due to the pandemic,
It was the wurst käse scenario.
My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
The world’s worst impressionist walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”
This joke only makes sense if you follow rugby:
A Scotsman walked into a bar. There'd normally be an Englishman, Irishman, and a Welshman as well, but they're still in Japan for the Rugby World Cup.
I didn’t lose my virginity til I was 23…
other than that, prison wasn’t too bad.
A man sees an extremely busty woman walking by…
He says, "Hey, will you let me bite those big ol boobies of yours for $1,000?" Christmas was coming and decided she could use the extra cash, so she agrees. The two walk around the corner and the woman strips off her shirt and bra, exposing two of the best boobies the guy had ever seen. The guy dives right in, motorboating them like he's the captain of a ship and sucking and licking every square inch of em. About 10 minutes go by, and the somewhat frustrated lady says "Well are you gonna bite em?" The guy replies "No, because then I'd have to give you $1,000."
What do you call a line of blonde people?
A barbie queue
How do you make Easter easier?
Replace the t with an i.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I’m disappointed.
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day..
NSFW
Oral sex in the morning? I call that a Head Start.
When science helps you with your impatience but also makes you never work on it.
https://ift.tt/2VPdBOW
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
My friends all claim that I’m the cheapest person they ever met.
I’m not buying it.
Ive just deleted all the German names from my phone.
Now, I'm completely Hans-free
My son gets to play a frosted cinnamon biscuit in the school play!
It's a sweet role!
I wish tree jokes were more poplar
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The first rule of flight club…
is to take flying lessons. Also know how to read carefully.
A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."
A year ago, my physician told me I would be going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.
And the Lord said onto John ” Come Forth and ye shall receive eternal life.”
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
I threw my wife a surprise bukakke party.
It was a big success. Everyone came. You should have see her face.
I didn’t think my dad would steal from his job as a road worker.
But when i got home, all the signs were there.
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "turd-world countries".
Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?
Because they stick. I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.
Want to hear a word i just made up?
Plagiarism. I just made up that word.
I love to tell Dad jokes
But he never laughs at any of them.
A snail slides into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed…
He slaps the roof of one and says, "This is the last one that’s built for speed." The snail says, “This is perfect, but there’s one thing I want you to do first.” The car salesman was confused. “What?” The snail said, “I want you to paint a big red S on it.” The car salesman was even more confused. “Why?” Chuckling, the snail said, “So when people see me driving, they would say, ‘look at that S car go!’”
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
An absolute 10, but also imaginary.
My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex
I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.