G.I. Joke: The Draft Dodging Extraordinaire
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
“I don’t believe it. My son was invited to a sex party.”
"By?" "No, he's straight from what I know."
We must popularise the Howie style labcoat!!!
To start I post this here because it’s the only place I could find that would have a hight scientist reader base an not required required it to be a scientific paper but here we goThey are safer that standard lab coats as the protect more of the bodyThey are more sanitary! minimising contact between your clothing and possible pathogens as well as chemicalsThey look 100% cooler, lab coats are cool but the Howie pattern is fuckin awesome, it also looks way more sci-fi, and if we’re gonna be living in the future might as well look it
If you boil a funny bone
It becomes a laughing stock
What do you call a cheap circumsision?
A rip off.
What genre are national anthems?
Country
Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal.
An Athiest in hell
An atheist dies and goes to hell The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!" They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?". They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!" As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air. Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".
I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay
They arrested me
[NSFW] Little Johnny asked his grandfather if he could have a cookie from the cookie jar
Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?” Johnny: “No.” Grandfather: “Then no cookies for you.” A number of years later, when Johnny had grown up and was visiting his grandfather again, he asked, “Hey, can I have a beer?” Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?” Johnny: “Hell yeah!” Grandfather: “Well then go fuck yourself.”
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says "Don't do it, man you'll never hear the end of it.
Helen Keller was truly an inspiration,
She was able to learn how to read and write despite being from Alabama
During a parole hearing.
Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early? Prisoner: It's bec… Officer: Yes? Prisoner: I think i have… Officer: Go on. Prisoner: Can i please finish my sentence! Officer: Sure, Parole denied.
Why did the pacifist refuse to eat in the Italian Parliament’s cafeteria?
The cooks a-salted everything
I applied for a job cleaning mirrors.
I can really see myself doing that.
Unwritten rules of Life…..
1. 2. 3.
My new pencil can write UNDERWATER
it can write other words too
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
Y'know, one would have been enough.
Husband was screwing his secretary up the ass when his wife walked in
Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me! Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!
So I entered my snail in to a race, but I took his shell off to make him faster.
It ended up making him sluggish.
Communism was bound to fail.
There were a lot of red flags.
Two surgeons are in an operating room…
One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?” The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound” The second surgeon replies “suture self”
My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple
Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower gets turned on.
After getting sick of my dad jokes, my wife locked me out of the house.
I texted her, “Oh pun the door!”
A man found a genie lamp
When the rubbed it the genie came out and stated the rules. Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love. Man: I wish to not die a virgin Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality
A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.
“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?” The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.” “What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi. “I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi. “What did he say?” asked the man. He said, “Funny you should come to me…”
An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?” The Marine replied, “Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.” The young lady said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. When’s the last time you’ve had sex?” The Marine replied, “1955 ma’am.” The young lady said, “That’s why you’re so serious. C’mon, I’ll make sure you lighten up.” She takes him to a private room and fucks his brains out. As she’s panting, she says, “You sure didn’t forget anything since 1955.” The Marine looks at his watch and says, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now."
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
So I was building a fence the other day
It went up without any problems, but I was worried the whole time that it would insult me. because it was so offensive.
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.
We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?
An Oopsie-daisy!
My penis was in the Guiness Book of World Records.
Until the police came and removed me from the library.
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
A woman answers a knock at the door at 3pm and a man asks if she has a vagina
She slams the door, waits and watches the man leave. The next day, at 3pm once again, she hears a knock at the door and there stood the man once more. "Do you have a vagina?" The woman slammed the door in his face and watched him walk off through the blinds. Growing more disturbed, she told her husband, who decided to take the day off work in hopes of seeing the man and handling the situation. Sure enough, the next day at 3pm, there is a knock at the door. "That's him," the wife says. The husband tells her, "Open it. I'm going to hide. I want to see where he is going with this." The woman opens the door and the man asks, "Do you have a vagina?" After some hesitation, the woman answers, "Yes." The man then tells her, "Why don't you let your husband use it so he'll leave my wife's alone?"
What do you call an overweight psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blonde hair…