Gainz
Told my PC gamer friend that I bought a home for my rodent.
He should see my new mouse pad.
My wife just left me
because of my insecurities. Wait, she's back. Just went out to pick the mail.
What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died?
Mourning wood.
A lot of things changed after my girlfriend got pregnant
Like my name, phone number, address…
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
A miner is stopped by the cops and is asked various questions
Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do? Miner: Mine
I just downloaded the Bohemian Rhapsody movie.
I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though – I see a little silhouetto of a man.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.
What should you do if you see a famous person at a water park?
Ask them for their watergraph.
Girl 1: Mother, why is my name Rose?
Mother: Because when you were just a precious little baby, a rose fell off a tree and onto your head. Girl 2: But mother, why am I named Blossom? Mother: Well my darling, same with you; a blossom blew from a tree and onto your head. Girl 3: Mufaghh ma waafaa maaa? Mother: How about you stop fucking complaining, Coconut?
Why couldn’t the toilet paper walk down the sidewalk?
It got stuck in the cracks. (Made up by my 10 year old.)
Why is dark spelt with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
My girlfriend gave me a handjob using Vaseline the other day.
I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
“Yes, we arson.”
A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates
St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend the Scotsman, up ahead – with an even uglier woman. When he asks what’s going on, the Scotsman replies “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now the Englishman, and Scotsman, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend the Irishman up ahead. This man is with an absolutely gorgeous blonde supermodel. Stunned, the Englishman, and Scotsman approach the man and discover it is their friend the Irishman. They ask him how it is he’s with this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these god-awful women. The Irishman replies “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself “Fucking income tax”
NSFW: There’s a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.
Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunch break bell rings, Joe is really starving, completely forgets about Bruce and jumps back on the main scaffold without Joe as a counterweight, Bruce falls to his death on the street below. A Frenchman, an Italian and an Australian are together eating in a restaurant. Suddenly the Frenchman sits up and says "Frenchmen love women the most!" Of course the Italian disagrees "No, Italian men love women the most. Why just the other day I took my girlfriend out to the best restaurant, then I took her to a sold-out show and then we went to the best hotel in town. Where we made love all night long. I'd been working overtime and planning this for over a year". The Frenchman says "That's nothing, I took my girl to the most exclusive bar in town, where we drunk the best Champagne. I then took her for a carriage ride along the Montmartre and then to the finest restaurant in Paris, where we ate oysters and foie gras, salmon and beluga caviar. I then took her to the finest hotel in Paris and we made love for two days and two nights". The Australian then pipes up "Nah, you guys aren't even close. Australian men are the most crazy about women." At this, both the Frenchmen and the Italian both wear wry and sarcastic expressions. Before they can say anything, he holds up his hand, and the Australian says "Just hear me out, a year ago this drop dead gorgeous brunnette is walking down the street in a really skimpy outfit, mini skirt and all. The next thing that me and my friends see, is this builder jumps off the top of this tall building, with his cock in his hand and he's screaming out:" "Cuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnt!"
If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot
then it is on the right foot
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her front pocket and thinks:
Some asshole has my pen
I really need to cut my fingernails,
they’re getting out of hand..
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
Helium walks into a bar
The bartender says, "Sorry but you're gonna have to leave; we don't serve noble gases here." Helium does not react
Apparently every country got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat
Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?
It suffered from withdrawals.
I’ve never particularly liked those Russian nesting dolls…
They're so full of themselves!
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree isn’t my least favorite thing.
But it’s definitely up there.
There are 3 unwritten rules in life
1. 2. 3.
A man decides to buy a parrot
A man walks into a pet shop, goes to the clerk and states that he would like to buy a parrot. The clerk responds, "ah exellent! We happen to have three excellent parrots in stock right now. This lovely one here goes for $10,000." Startled the man remarks that this seams like a high price for a bird. "Well you see this is a special parrot, it can answer the phone and make appointments for you." The man is very impressed by this but decides to look at the other two as well. "This one here goes for $20,000 since it is excellent at sales and will actually make money for you." Astounded at the skills of these birds the man can hardly wait to find out about the final parrot. "Lastly this parrot is priced at $50,000." The man is practically knocked over by this outlandish price and asks what it does that could possibly make it worth so much money. "I don't know but the other two call it boss."
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?
To see the battle.
God said to John, “come fourth and you will receive eternal life”,
John came fifth and won a toaster.
I was in a taxi when the driver said..
I was in a taxi when the driver said“I love my job! I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!”. I said “Great. Now take a left here!”
When life becomes overwhelming, I like to read Immanuel Kant and listen to George Handel.
I it helps when I Kant Handel.
A cockroach can survive a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
What does a vegan zombie eat?
Graaainns
The average person is really mean
No text found
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He said I have a weekend immune system.
Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's a coincidence
What’s the difference between a Cat and a Comma?
One has claws at the end of the paws… The other is a pause at the end of a clause.