Game good wife bad
She lived in a houseboat
Swans listened to her rock and roll
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
Hispanic attacks
Mom moves expensive cuts of beef into the top shelf.
Dad: The steaks have never been higher.
I made this fake boomer comic to mock people/boomers looking down on digital art
https://ift.tt/2JrUKmh
You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.
Of course you can! I just wanted to make you smile.
Yes Pornhub I know there are lonely sluts in my area
…I’m one of them.
Has anyone ever had a glass snake as a pet?
I had one once, it was a real pane in the grass to catch though…
Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2?
Because it’s Tuesday.
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
My furniture and I are really close
My recliner and I go way back.
My wife to our son, “Go brush your teeth with your sister”
Me from the other room, "No, use a toothbrush".
What do I hate most about my Rubik’s Cube?
Well, I don't know where to begin.
What did the grape say when it was stepped on?
Nothing…. it just let out a little wine.
Did you hear Marry Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
I called my wife and told her I’d pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she’s not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
Surge pricing at a fast food restaurant… what could go wrong?
Surge pricing at a fast food restaurant… what could go wrong?
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
What do you call a sad coffee??
Dippresso
I was in the library one day when a black man came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "It's 2018, dude, use whatever printer you want."
A sheepdog tells the farmer he’s going to round up the sheep and comes back with 50 sheep and the farmer says “We only have 48 sheep.”
The dog replies "I said I was going to round them up,"
My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.
I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.
Drinking American beer is the same as having sex on a canoe.
It’s f*cking close to water.
One cosy Friday evening, my girlfriend said she wanted to watch Grease.
So I made her stand in front of a deep fat fryer.
A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand? "Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well if you are not a football fan, what sport are you a fan of? "I am a basketball fan and proud of it, " Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a basketball fan? " "Because my mum is a basketball fan, and my dad is a basketball fan, so I'm a basketball fan too!" "Well, " said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a basketball fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then? Mary smiled, and said…………… "then I'd be a football fan."
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters. By the way…
…that was not a question.
Did you know the keyboard never sleeps
Because it has two shifts
You Matter!
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy…
Where does a poor italian live?
In Spaghetto
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
he won the no-bell prize!
What do you call two oranges rubbing together?
Pulp Friction