Gamer things 😎
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to me…
Dear Dad, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, your $usie. I immediately replied back… Dear Susie, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
I just bought two fish I called one one and the other two…
So then when one dies I'll still have two
I killed a chicken last week
Now I Think I’m getting haunted by a poultrygeist
What’s the opposite of a mermaid?
Land Ho!
How does a tree access the internet?
It logs on.
Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening…
One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him, "Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!" He responded by saying "How's about 5 dollars?", jokingly, and kept walking. This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the prostitute, she would offer him her services for fifty dollars, and he would decline and say he'd only pay five. One evening, however, Hillary asked if she could come along on the walk with him, and Bill reluctantly agreed, nervous about what Hillary would say if the prostitute yelled at him again. They went on the walk, and when they passed the alley, to Bill's surprise, the prostitute was silent, and they continued on their walk. As they were about to round the corner, however, they heard the prostitute's voice from behind them, "So that's what five dollars gets you, huh?"
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Wah. Wah who? Settle down. This isn’t THAT great of a joke.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
Dude 1: “Bro can you pass me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure.”
One big difference between men and women is…
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
An Irishman’s first drink with his son
I was watching that American TV show "Modern Family" and it got me thinking about the time I took my son out for his first drink. We went down the street to the local pub, only a couple of blocks away. I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it, so I drank it. I ordered him a Smithwick's. He hated it, so I drank it. I bought him a Murphy's, he spit it out, so I drank it. I tried him with that bland American beer Coors, he barely took a sip and pushed it away, so I drank it. I figured maybe he would like Irish Whiskey instead, so I got him a shot of Jameson 18 year. He choked on it, so yeah, I drank that too. I had him try Redbreast 12 year, the year's Irish Whiskey Awards top whiskey. He turned away, wouldn't even smell it. What else could I do – I drank it! When I finally realized he just doesn't like alcohol, I was so shit-faced I could barely push his stroller home!
When I want to comment on an interesting thread but it got locked for some reason
When I want to comment on an interesting thread but it got locked for some reason
My family treats me like a God
They forget that I exist unless they want something
My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”
I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.
I told him "you're not going to find what you're looking for."
A little known fact…
Before the invention of the crowbar, crows had to do their drinking at home
If An Anti-Vax Kid Had a Theme Song, What Would it Be?
The Final Countdown
I don’t always roll a joint but when I do…
It’s my ankle.
I like to tell dad jokes
He always finds them funny
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Why did the competitive fish eater sustain liver damage?
A: she would never accede a minnow fan! @SwiftOnSecurity
An Irishman and his son went to the zoo…
A sign says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age” The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps it’s foot 6 times. “Wow” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!” The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun… A moment later the elephant farts and stomps twice… “Bajaysus that’s right” said the father, “I am farty two!”
Me: Can you help me get over my gambling addiction?
Therapist: You bet. Me: Yes, that’s why I asked.
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests
Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.
Today was a terrible day, my Ex got hit by a bus
and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Her: Atleast invite me out to dinner.
Him: I don’t go out with married women, sorry. Her: But I am your wife? Him: I make no exceptions.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender asks him what’s with the steering wheel? He replies…
"Arghhh, I don't know but it's been drivin' me nuts all day"
What is a Redditors favorite food?
Copypasta!!
Went to a sperm clinic earlier. That lady asked if i would like to masturbate in a cup?
I said, “I’m good but im not ready to compete in a tournament yet.
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
Why do females make the best archaeologists?
Because they absolutely love digging up everything that has happened in the past.
A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.
He found love, got married and had a son. The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons. Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden. After a lot of grief, the man has the idea of bringing the garden to new life. However, not being young anymore, it seems like an impossible task for him alone. He writes to his son: "My dear son, after your mother's death, I am finally ready to move on. I'd like to bring our old garden to new life. Unfortunately, the task seems to be too much for an old man like me. I know you're busy with work and family, but maybe you could help me with digging over the old patches. This would help a lot. Love, your father." Some time later he receives a short message from his son: "Father. Please keep away from the patches. It's where I hid the 'Thing'. Your son." The next morning, combined forces of FBI, NSA and HS invade the property and the neighborhood. They start questioning everyone and search the man's garden inch after inch, soil layer after soil layer. In the evening, they still haven't found anything and finally give up. The man receives another message from his son: "Dear Father, I'm glad that you want to move on after Mom's death. Work and family prevent me from visiting you right now, but after the recent visit of the authorities your garden should be dug over and ready for renewal. That's the best I could do at the moment. Love, your son."
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain again today?”
She replied, “Yes, it is and don’t call me Shirley!” I guess I left my phone in Airplane mode again…
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I can never understand y.
Wearing Crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy.
Both feel really good until you look down and realize you're gay.
Just another overly dramatic post.
https://i.redd.it/vrrnd0bt6ca41.jpg
I came home drunk from the bar last night, and the wife wasn’t happy.
"How much have you had to drink?" she demanded. "Not much" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the bar, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said "It's you, I can tell by the voice."
A guy named Danny walks into a bar…
A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.” A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been with many men who’ve told me terrible things, try me.” So Danny tells her and she slaps him across the face so hard his cheek turns beet red. The bartender saw the whole thing and asks Danny what happened, and Danny said, “I told her what I needed to forget.” Naturally, the bartender asks what it is he needs to forget. “I’ll tell you, but, trust me, you’ll get pissed.” “Boy, I’ve been bartending for 25 years, heard about regrets, death, war stories, ain’t nothin gonna faze me.” So Danny tells the bartender, and the bartender flips his shit and screams at Danny to get outta the bar. Outside, Danny hails a cab to get home. Once inside, the Cabbie says, “Jeez you look terrible, what happened?” “I told people what I’m trying to forget.” “Well, what’d you tell em?” “You’ll get mad if I tell ya.” “Sir, if I’m honest, I was a veteran, I’ve had my own brothers die in my arms, tell me what you have.” “Alright but you gotta take me home first so you don’t throw me out of the cab.” Intrigued, the cabbie takes Danny home first. The Cabbie pulled up to Danny’s home, turns around, and says “Alright, spill the beans, I’m dyin to hear this.” “Fine, fine, but I gotta ask you something first: When’s the last time you lost The Game?”