Gaming nostalgia
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 8,008 trees…
…and I've got the logs to prove it!
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.
When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: Who is that? Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!
A-merry-ca ‘ristmas, reddit
from all of US!
Which part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
Why do Italians love soccer?
Because half way through, they get to switch sides.
How did the vegan start eating meat?
Cold turkey.
my 7YO hit me with this one this morning
7YO: Knock knock! Me: Who's there? 7YO: Europe Me: Europe who? 7YO: (with mock outrage) I'm not a poo! you're a poo!
My wife tore a page from the dictionary and locked it in her closet.
I still don't know the hidden meaning behind it.
Which planet has the most bread?
Jupitta
Before I die
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn. That should make the cremation a little more interesting.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump!
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. -Emo Philips
“What do you wish to do in the future?” asks the teacher.
Pete: "I want to be a pilot" Tommy: "I want to be a doctor" Margaret: "I want to be a good mother" Frank: "I want to help Margaret"
Leap year babies finally getting their Feb 29th Birthday in years today.
Leap year babies finally getting their Feb 29th Birthday in years today.
I’ve learned 99% of the English language.
I'm almost their.
My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
A bicycle can’t stand on its own
Because its two-tired.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high…
She seemed surprised
Before we were married, my wife used to clean up my place, and i used to clean hers.
Eventually we realized that we were maid for each other.
A blonde got tired of blonde jokes…
One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.
I was applying for Australian citizenship, the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
Did you hear about the carpenter who drank on the job?
He got hammered
Jews foreskin be like
[removed]
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
I hate having body confidence issues…
I've had it up to ear with him.
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad: No it doesn’t
What borders on stupidity?
Mexico and Canada.
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