Gatekeeping AND comedy homicide
Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…
It was an ether/oar situation.
I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.
I've never seen one before, but I have faith.
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat". He raised an eyebrow and replied, "if you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself".
As I gave Dad his 60th birthday card he said to me…
"Just one would have been fine!"
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
I fucking hate recursion
I fucking hate recursion, its the dumbest fucking solution to the easiest problems in coding. Like what the fuck? Have you every heard of big O notation? Of course you fucking haven’t, you bumbling cretin. I would explain it if your brain didn’t recurse on itself. How am I supposed to understand fucking “Henry McGyvers” code over here where you can’t tell where it even produces any values at the fucking root of things. Why would a function call itself, you fucking idiot? Why would you ever think that? Why not use a while loop? Or a for loop? Or literally anything that’s better than a program sucking itself off until it cums with the answer that you might want, I guess. Jesus fucking christ.
Me: Hi! Do you take walk-ins?
Cremator: What
I just ate 4 cans of alphabet soup
I’m in for an intense vowel movement later
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors, I win!” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages!
I decided to quit my job and become a museum curator, but to be honest
I'm just doing it for the Monet
The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony
If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this: "bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes like this: "bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" And then there's a round of applause and everyone take their bows and and exits stage right. The conductor had a great idea though, and the basses practiced this in the weeks leading up to the concert. The would play their first note "bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" And then they would quietly lay down their basses on provided carpets, and exit the stage – waiting patiently to return an hour and a half later to play their final note: "bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" The night of the concert arrives, everyone is dressed to the nines (as is appropriate of course). The basses are shined and everyone is relaxed and ready. The conducter taps on his conducter's stand to get attention, raises his hands and with a gallant downstroke the basses play the ever living shit out of their note "bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" And then quietly lay down their instruments on the provided carpets and step behind the curtain. This is where things go awry, "Hey guys," says the lead bass "I have a great idea. There's a bar across the street and we have at least an hour and a half before we play our next note. Let's slip across and have a couple pints!" Everyone thinks this is a fantastic idea, so the entire section hops along to the bar and downs a couple pints. One of the second basses after a while gets a little conserned and asks the lead bass if it was time to go back. "No, we got time. See, I tied a string to the last page of the conductors score attached to a transciever. When he gets to that section I'll get a buzz on my phone and we can head back." Everyone thinks that this is brilliant so they knock back a few more pints before suddenly the lead bass stands up and announces it's time to go. They bounce back across the street, through the musicians entrance, and up to the curtain to peek through and sure enough, they're right on time. So they slip through, pick up their instruments and look up at the conductor and…he is angry. Super angry. Ready to bust a blood vessel angry. But you would be too wouldn't you? It was the bottom of the ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied.
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: "dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells…
Does that make them shotgun snails?
My mom sent me this one and unironically said it might as well be true nowadays…
https://ift.tt/2PLChDH
Why is “yacht” spelled that way instead of like “yot?”
Because why nacht.
I called the doctor, “My Wife is going into labor! What should I do?”
“Is this her first child?” He asks. “No this is her Husband.”
How heavy is a red hot chili pepper
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” she said.
“No.” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”
robin: oh no the batmobile isnt starting!
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.
Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar. Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says, "Hi, sorry for bad English"
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had…
Does money even matter?
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?
Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.
I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door. I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?” I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!” “Great” she said. ”Can you watch my dog?”
Instructions on how to cure asthma, arthritis, ulcer, handicap, cancer with ultrasound
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4dwdjBJdW0
Where did the hacker go?
I don't know, he ransomware
What is the difference between a cult and a religion?
In a cult the main person knows it's all bullshit. In religion that person is dead.
[first day as a pilot]
me: (looking down nervously) what are all these buttons for co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
My son cheated on his physics test, and has no idea how much trouble he is in.
He doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…
…you need to let that mango
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely…
…if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin?
He made a grave mistake.
After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoony images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled, thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
I used to smoke weed and go to the class…
sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.