By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:
Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
My wife thinks I don’t know how to say, “My” in Japanese…
…but really, watashi no?
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
My mate has a fear of over-engineered buildings. He has a complex complex complex
He went to the psychiatrist and he discovered it was more than just a fear. He has a complex complex complex complex The Doctor sent him to a specialised centre.. It was the complex complex complex complex complex. Unfortunately, it was an over-engineered building. Yes, it was a complex complex complex complex complex complex.
My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places….
24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."
Who do you call when you break your toe?
The Toe Truck (Tow Truck)
Why should you never touch an electric fence
Because it hertz.
do you think this is a good one
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
Making fun of kids watching TV while there’s an adult watching TV right there.
https://ift.tt/393HrmE
Why couldn’t Emperor Augustus attend the silent disco?
Because he was 2 BC.
Why did the baker go to work?
He kneads the dough.
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
How does Wesley serve your steak dip sandwich?
Au jus wish.
Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure…
I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody…
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing
…except at a funeral
A teacher asks her class to name a word beginning with A
Little Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say something like asshole". She asks Suzanna who says "Apple". The She asks for a word beginning with B. Again Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say bastard", so she asks Stephen, who replies "Balloon"..This goes on until they get to the letter G. Again Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "Hmm, I cant think of any swear word beginning with G", so she asks Jonny. "Gnome" says Jonny. Very surprised, the teachers says "That's excellent Jonny, and do you know what a gnome is?" "Yeah" replies Jonny, "It's a little cunt at bottom of my garden that fucks fairies"
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left? Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun. Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think. Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married? Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.” Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.
He told me to give her a handjob.
How come none of the animals on the ark could play cards?
Because Noah was standing on the deck Credit to my dad who said this 2 seconds ago
A Sperm Donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection…
The judge asks, “First offender?” The wife replies, “No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
Why are dad jokes like sex?
Because hearing someone else groan means you are doing a good job.
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”
Post Malone just suspended his tour
Guess that makes him postponed Malone
Downloaded a pirated copy of the Bohemian Rhapsody. Quality is really bad though. Low res. Dark. Blurry.
I see a little silhouetto of a man.
I saw a lady in tears at the store
She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside. I gave her 100$ because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot. payitforward
I still remember my childhood fondly, when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick
He was a very poorly executed character
At midnight it will officially be Ramones time.
2020, 24 hours to go…
Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?
He's all right now.