Gay is good
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
this is as close as I could get.
Little Johnny at the nudist beach
Little Johnny and his parents decided to spent the day at the beach. He goes off to play in the sand only to return a few moments later. "Mom why are some women's breasts bigger than others?" To which his mom replied. "The women with bigger breasts are more silly" satisfied with this answer he goes off to play for a while longer. Later the boy asks why some men's penises are bigger than others, his mom tells him "Men with bigger penises are dumber" once again content Johnny goes off to play again. A while later he returns with a grin on his face and tells his mom, "Hey Mom Dad is talking to the silliest girl here and he just keeps getting dumber and dumber"
Phone weak, book strong
If Programming Languages Were People
The other day I told a girl, “You look great without glasses.”
Girl: “I don’t wear glasses.” Me, while polishing my lenses: “No, but I do.”
Why did the bee get married?
Because he found his honey.
A clown just held the door open for me,
I thought it was a nice Jester.
My boss really hates it when I shorten his name to Dick…
Mostly because his name is Steve…
Why did the marshmallow cross the road?
Because he knew there was S'more to life
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
She wishes she was her
My dad’s Facebook is a goldmine
Female bad male good
you are good virus. thank you
Found one in the wild
Husband doing crossword with wife..
Husband : emphatic no, five letters Wife : never H : pistol, three letters W : gun H : disgust, three letters W : ugh H : charity, four letters W : give H : female sheep, three letters W : ewe H : Pixar movie, two letters W : Up
My favourite Avengers
Technically it is.
millennia of wifebad
The One Where Nixon’s Second Best
I found this while stealing a car in Portland.
Please enter your phone number.
Crikey! Look the size of that!
Oh wow what an idea thanks boomer
Whoever coined the phrase “dad-bod” missed a golden opportunity…
Should've called it "the Father-figure"
Trump’s ball washer getting bitch slapped
My brother came to me and said that he didn’t understand cloning
I said that makes two of us
THE DEAR LEADER GAVE YET ANOTHER BRILLIANT PERFORMANCE ON THE WORLD STAGE!
21 year old me too
i got your back grandma
Comeuppance I guess ?
Aren’t conspiracy theories fun?!
What do the movies titanic and the six sense have in common
Icy dead people
Knowing is half the battle! 🤓
Come a long way this decade
What do you call an incel in a wheelchair?
Have to make it relatable to the youth
April 13th, 2020 Presidential Campaign Rally Masquerading as a COVID-19 Task Force Briefing
The Emperor has no mask
A poor Irish family lives on a farm…
A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income. One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead. "There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself. The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground. "I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun. The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead. "I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself. The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead. "Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky. Poof! A female leprechaun appears. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies. The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies. The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?" The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold. The son says, "What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?" She thinks again and says, "I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion." The son thinks and says, "What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?" She thinks and says, "I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland." The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?" "What do you mean?" says the leprechaun. "The cow didn't."
But there is no last stage :-p
Wow “Other” is doing really great in the polls
Why do teenagers love meat so much?
Because meat is Protein…I…I should go
Me walking back to the project I abandoned two months ago
Meanwhile in Trump’s America
The store near me is having a sale on batteries.
If you buy two packs, they'll throw in a pack of dead ones, free of charge.
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.
Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem – a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
Three men were sitting together bragging..
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties The first man had married an Indian girl, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done. The second man had married a Chinese girl. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married an Italian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke, and get no reaction.
I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen… Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer…. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Take that, mom!
Now that people are isolated and bored they make a lot more dad jokes
It's a true pundemic
Reminder to check eggs before purchase
Because Beethoven was deaf, everyone said he couldn’t be a musician.
But did he listen?
Just look at all that red fat melt away.
My asshole neighbour came and rang my doorbell at 3am this morning….
Luckily I was still up playing my drums