Gender inclusivity bad
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
Today I quit drinking for good
now I only drink for evil
I’ve been having the most difficult time figuring out what audio system to put in my car.
I hate making decisions based on stereotypes.
I like to tell dad jokes
He always finds them funny
The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again…
I can't tell you how upset I am!
Why are there no cases of COVID-19 in Antarctica?
Because they're ice-o-lated
When it’s friday and someone says “so hey there is this quick thing we need fixed”
https://ift.tt/3ahqVRs
Wife: “Honey, I’m Pregnant.”
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad" Wife: "No you're not…."
I asked my girlfriend to come to the gym with me and she didn’t turn up
I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
Bilbo Baggins woke up suddenly to “Don’t stop believing!”
It was an unexpected Journey.
Sting in bed the other night, I asked my wife, “Honey, if I died, would you let your next husband have my recliner”?
She replies, “Well it would be a waste not to, he may find it comfortable”. Then I ask, “What about my boat”? And she says, “I just don’t think you will be needing your boat after your gone. We may retire and do a lot of fishing”. So I did some thinking and asked, “How about my truck, surely you’ll sell it because all of the memories of us riding in it together will be too much for you to bear and too awkward with your next husband”. She replies, “You know, it is paid for with low miles, I’ll probably hang on to it”. Then, getting kinda nervous, I said, “Well SURELY you wont let him have my golf clubs”? To which my wife responds, “Oh no honey, don’t worry about that, he’s left handed”.
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they'd be bagels.
“To be and not to be”
—Schrödinger's Hamlet
WIFE: [trying on new spectacles] How do I look?
ME: Through the glass bit
The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.
The rest, as they say, is History.
What’s the difference between necrophilia and a choking fetish?
15 seconds, give or take.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
Before you get angry at someone, walk a mile in his shoes,
That way you will be a mile away and have his shoes.
Shoutout to my Grandpa!
Because that's the only way he can hear.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to get the picture of Jesus up and hanging
Bindi Irwin got married!
That's a ray of hope!
A guy visits his favorite dominatrix
He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.” She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom. Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts. She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free. “Don’t worry, I can fix this” he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work. In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed. He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams. “Good as new, mistress!” She says “This sub really loves reposts.”
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
I named my eraser Confidence
Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make
What do you call a snake that cleans windows?
A vindow viper
A shoplifter stole an entire case of red bull from my store
I don’t know how he sleeps at night
I saw an amateur ventriloquist the other night.
The performance was a little wooden.
Just by looking, i can tell if someone is lying.
I can also tell if they are standing.
I got the words, “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused…
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
Did you hear the police are on the lookout for a psychic midget?
Yeah, there is a small medium at large.
Orion’s Belt is a huge waist of space.
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Why does KFC not have toilet paper?
It's finger licking good
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”