Genital puns are probably very common. Glad I’m a member of that.
See that? Thats my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
What do you call people who take care of chickens?
Chicken Tenders
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar
I used to think it was strange working at the planet’s largest mint.
Now, it makes all the cents in the world.
What does the marxman put in his gun?
Communition!
The New Year’s celebration at Times Square was pretty disappointing.
They really dropped the ball this time.
I used to shave my scrotum with a straight razor.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
I am so sorry reddit . . .
I AM HERE TO SAY GOODBYE, I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH! MY WIFE SAYS I AM IN THIS SUBREDDIT EVERY 20 SECONDS, AND SHE CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! WE ARGUED AND SHE TOLD ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HER OR THE SUBREDDIT. SO I AM GOING TO BE OFFLINE FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES WHILE I PACK HER BAGS, AND CALL HER A TAXI. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
Last Name Only
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy. “John,” the new guy replied. The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker .… That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what’s your last name?” The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.” “Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .”
CSI Alabama was a failure . . .
. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.
Toasters
Were the first form of pop up notifications
Why do reddit users hate facebook?
Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.
A blind prostitute told me I had the biggest dick she had ever felt
I told her she was just pulling my leg.
I just quit my job at the helium factory…
I won't be spoken to in that tone!
A programmer’s wife tells him as he leaves the house: “While you’re out, buy some milk.”
He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.
Why was the music teacher arrested?
He fingered a minor.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
My wife said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
What does a clock do when it’s still hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits in your wife’s clothes
I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”
He said, “You have a wee cough?” I said, “Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!”
I gently slid her panties to the left…
So that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
A couple was going out for the evening.
They had gotten ready, all dolled-up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard. She better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you. I have my contacts.
I saw a radio the other day on sale for $1. It had a note stuck on it saying, “Volume stuck on full”
I though, “I can’t turn that down”
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
My face! When he says “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.”!
https://ift.tt/3eOSfbR
A man goes to a doctor
A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can." I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I’d say your leg appears to be broke in three places."
“I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.” Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
How Many Police Officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None they beat the room for being black.
I poured my root beer into a square cup…
Now I’ve just got beer…