Geometry puns
My wife and I don’t want any kids
My kids are upset about that decision.
What’s the best way to kill communists?
Communism.
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick
My dad always said “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them”
They told me I’d never be good at poetry cause I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.
As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.
In the end, he came around.
Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic?
Because baggers can’t be choosers.
Three guys get stranded on an island where a cannibal tribe lives.
The tribe tells each of them that they’ll let them live if they each go find 10 fruits each, so the guys split up to go find some fruits. The 1st guy comes back with apples and then the cannibal tribe tells him another part to the deal. “You have to put all ten up your butt without making a noise or we’ll execute you.” The man had no choice, so he starts putting the apples up his buy and gets to 4 before the pain is too much and he screams. The tribe executed him. The 2nd guy comes back with berries. They tell him the same thing. He gets to 9 and is about to put the 10th in when he starts laughing hysterically. Executed. The 1st and the 2nd guy are in the afterlife talking. The 1st says to the 2nd, “Why’d you laugh? You were so close?” And the 2nd guy says “Well, I saw the third and he had pineapples.”
Why is it hard to wake up in Athens?
Dawn is tough on Greece.
What do you call cheese that isnt yours..?
Oh sorry, Havarti told you this one?
I went for a job interview the other day.
They asked, "Can you perform under pressure?" I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody."
There were 3 moles living in a hole…
One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."
I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.
The cashier said : “hardback?” I said: “yeah and little heads”
What’s the difference between “comma” and “coma”?
The length of the pause.
A little known fact…
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
What cereal is addicted to working out?
Shredded wheat.
I’m sure there’s an army of weavers coming our way.
I just sense this looming dread.
Why doesn’t Oedipus use profanity?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.
What is a geographers favourite genre of music?
World music
As much as you might move around an envelope
It'll always be stationery.
My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
Who has time to worry about 2,363 Americans deaths, when Trump is happy with his ratings
https://ift.tt/2WRHUW0
I had a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant..
..but apparently all it does is change the colour of your baby.
I thought about inventing a pencil with an eraser at both ends.
But I didn't see the point.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns
