George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman.
He even used the name when he had a little grill.
I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.
And then it dawned on me.
My wife is finally going to watch Back to the Future
I told her it's about time.
They’re banning phones in my school, my teacher was laughing her ass off at this
https://ift.tt/2TTqdCz
What do you call half of a Russian tree?
“Demi-tree”
My wife told me I was terrible with directions
So I packed up my things and right
A detective arrives at the scene of a crime and immediately knows what the murder weapon is
It was a brief case Edit: my first silver! Thank you, kind stranger.
What was Icarus’s favorite food?
Hot wings!
There was a man named John Odd
There was this man named John Odd, and he hated his last name. People constantly made fun of it, called him and his wife "The Odd couple", named him "The Odd man out" wherever he went, all that. So he's getting older and writes out his will. And in the will he says when he dies he doesn't want his name on the gravestone. He just wants to be buried in an unmarked grave with a plain headstone, no name, nothing. So he dies, and his wife respects his wishes. So there he is, in his unmarked grave, but everytime someone walks by the cemetery and sees the unmarked grave they say, "Look, isn't that Odd?"
Why did Donald Trump take Xanax
For Hispanic attacks
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his soup before it was cool.
Why can’t trees time-travel?
Because travelling through time petrifies them!
What do you call an Irishman flying an airplane?
Éire O'Dynamic
When I was a child, I wanted to be a brain surgeon…
But apparently, I was too young…
Why did Spiderman quit his day job?
He was tired of being a web developer.
The guy decides that maybe he’d like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs.
The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!" "I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?" "Of course! I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I'm a great companion." The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "I can't afford that," he says. "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an offer!" The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not", says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman" "What?" says the guy. "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up her nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot. "My God!" the guy cries. "Then what?" "Then he got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time… "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. "Damned if I know" says the Parrot. "My dick got hard and I fell off my perch."
Talking to god
So this man is talking to God and he says: “God, is it true that a million years is like a second to you?” Then God says: “Yes. A million years is like a second to me.” Then the man says: “So if a million years is like a second to you, is it true that a million dollars is like a penny for you?” Then God said: “Yes. A million dollars is like a penny to me.” So the man says: “God, can I please have a penny?” Then God says: “Yeah just give me a second.”
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Me and my friend have an amputee foot fetish.
I know, it's gross, but we can only cum on prosthetic legs. Anyway, our last three-way with an amputee, we both prematurely came on her real toes! I had to politely ask the girl, "Can we start over? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot."
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.” “You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said. “I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”
The shovel was really a ground-breaking invention.
No text found
My co-workers were talking about getting their beach bods ready
I popped over the cube, oreo in hand "I'm working on my beach ball bod"
I have a fear of speed bumps
I’m slowly getting over it
I don’t like thin pancakes..
They just crepe me out.
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
I watched a documentary on mushrooms tonight.
I'll probably watch them all like that from now on.
I use to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
But then i turned myself around.
