GeT FuCkEd 100
We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills is 90210 but what’s the zip code to Dawson’s Creek?
Spoiler 90108 for our lives to be over…
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
If I was an injured cat,
Me: Ow.
Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: I understand. And for the main course?
Another ‘What am I?’
You can look me in the eyes, You will always see twelve. It'll drive you insane because back to front and upside down I look the same!
I guess I can’t really be mad about seeing the same jokes made on this sub
With a whole profession built around copy and pasting stack overflow it only makes sense you guys would copy and paste the same jokes over and over again
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave them my too weak notice…
My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I said Yes.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
Today my son asked, “Can you lend me a book mark?”
I immediately burst into tears. 12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian
What’s the difference between an asteroid and a meatball?
One is meteor ☄️
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
(After they reply with R) Ye think it’d be Arr, but me first love be the C
An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asks, “What is this, father?” The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.” While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and the lady rolls between them into a small room. The walls close and the boy and his father watch as small circles light up above the walls. The walls open up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman steps out. The father looks at his son excitedly and says, “Go get your mother.”
My wife convinced me to have reversed roles during sex last time…
That was a pain in the ass.
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.
I told her that I am looking for matches.
I saw someone rob the Apple store.
I was an iWitness.
What’s blue and not heavy
Light blue
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that? His father replied, Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.
I only got paper, bindings and glue in the mail
One big difference between men and women is…
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
Anytime I tell a terrible joke to my kids, I walk away from them and yell it from across the room.
If they groan, I say, “I think I took this joke too far.”
A magician escaped a police car chase by entering a neighborhood…
And turning into a driveway.
My wife always takes a run right after we have sex
Some people… You give them an inch and they take a mile
I’m addicted to brake fluid.
But it's ok I can stop at any time.
Gotta make it buzzword friendly for the execs. We’re all worker pods anyways.
https://ift.tt/39tROA1
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
I went to the doctors recently He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No. Fatty, don’t eat anything
A man with a stutter answers an ad for “bible salesman wanted”.
He walks into the office and says " I wanna suh, suh, sell buh, buh, buh, bibles ! " The office manager, holding back a laugh, replies "sure thing, just take this here box and go door-to-door until they are gone. Then come back for more." The office manager is amazed when the man comes back the next day and says "I nuh, nuh, nuh, need muh, muh, more buh, buh, buh, buh, bibles ! " The office manager is dumbstruck but agrees to give the man another box, with one condition. "You have to tell me how you did it. "He says. "Well I just nah, nah, nock on the duh, duh, duh, door and say, I'm suh, suh, suh, selling buh, buh, buh, bibles. Wuh, wuh, wuh, would you like to buh, buh, buh, buy one or should I reh, reh, reh, READ IT TO YOU? "
What’s the difference between the Queen of England and a computer cable?
One's a British WASP, and the other is a USB.
“Why are you wearing a surgical mask?” I asked the barista.
She said, "It's not a mask. It's a coughy filter."
Yo mama so fat
We are all concerned for her health, Kevin.
The bartender says, “we don’t serve time travelers in here!”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Did u know you can tell an ants gender by putting it in water?
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats……..boy ant.
What is a thousand times better than instagram?
Instakilogram
