GeT FuCkEd 100
What do the films Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icy dead people
I burned 2,000 calories yesterday…
Left the brownies in the oven for too long
Her: I’m leaving you because you’re too cocky.
Him: Close the door on your way back in.
So this guy with premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere
That’s it… that’s the whole fucking joke.
A clown just held the door open for me,
I thought it was a nice Jester.
I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep
Not screaming like the people in the back of his car.
Two engineering students were walking across campus…
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take what you want.' So I took the bike." The second engineer thinks for a minute and then nods approvingly. "Good choice." he says "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyways."
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
You’re a Wizard, dad!
Emma Watson?
During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.
The *For Biden* files.
I was robbed by 6 dwarfs today.
Not happy.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
A cannibal at the office had trouble finding his lunch…
So I offered to lend him a hand
My dad was a WWII veteran.
During the Battle of Britain, in just one day, he destroyed 8 German aircrafts killing 32 Nazis. Literally the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
I’m glad to see Reddit is meeting its goals to become one of the greenest companies in the world.
Take the front page, it's over 90% recycled content!
I hate insomnia, it’s a horrible condition
I'm losing sleep over it. On the plus side, it's only 3 more sleeps until Christmas
Angry man comes to local bar with gun yelling:
-Which one of you fucked my wife??!! Some guy in the crowd says: – you should bring more bullets
I hired lawyers to sue the airline company for mishandling my luggage.
They lost my case.
Most people don’t know…
…but back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
What do we want! Low flying aircraft noises!
When do we want them! Nooooooooooowwwwwwwwww
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNQRSTUVWXYZ
If you came here looking for an OP, you got it.
I just bought a mentos 24 pack for my family.
Best trade ever.
This is a Fibonacci joke.
Its worse than the last two jokes you heard, combined.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t made in France?
They were made in Greece
A stormtrooper walks into a bar and orders a martini
The bartender asks while handing the stormtrooper his drink, "Shouldn't you not be drinking on the job?" The stormtrooper arches his eyebrow, "And hit what I'm aiming for?"
Some people really like Orion’s Belt
But I think it's just a big waist of space. Edit: Sorry for the bad pun, but you gotta give it at least 3 stars.
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store.
does that make you an iWitness?
My 4-year-old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
He can’t say ‘please’ which I think is poor for four
A dad story. If you read till the end of this one, I promise you’ll hate it.
Have I ever told you about the time I nearly died in a plane crash? Well… One dark and stormy night, our cargo plane was loaded with supermarket goods. But we were in trouble! A freak storm had showed up, and our plane was struggling against the hurricane-force winds. After a terrifying hour of this, we lost navigational controls. The pilot had descended to 10,000 feet, and was attempting to search for a safe place to make an emergency landing. But the plane was no match for the fury of the storm. The aircraft was tossed to and fro and the wind threatened to crumple it like a ball of foil. Our fuel was now nearly gone, and the engines were sputtering. As far as we could tell, we were now over some large city. But that was no consolation to us, as we were hurtling to our certain deaths. The captain announced over the comms that everyone should prepare for the worst… The morale of the crewmembers had now drastically fallen. Some of us lay crying in a corner, others had passed out from sheer fear or dread, and still others screamed out desperate prayers in their despair. Everyone, even the captain, had lost hope. Everyone, that is, except for the cargo bay janitor, Steve. Steve just stood there amidst the chaos, rolling with the punches of the relentless wind. As I lay there with my crewmembers, Steve somehow remained standing, and not far off, seemingly without a care in the world. Suddenly, the wind tore a hole in the cargo bay, and four pallets of frozen meat exploded out of it, scattering over the city below. I looked on in horror, imagining the huge slabs of meat destroying rooftops, or smashing pets, children, and vehicles. Steve just watched it all with a smirk. I looked at him, and he, noticing my gaze, turned back with that same wry grin and said: . . . . . . . . . . . . "Now that's what I call a… . . Wait for it… . . . . . . meatier shower."
I was beaten up by a busty women in an elevator.
I was staring at her boobs when she said “would you please press one?” So I did.
What’s that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can't remember either.
I was surprised to find that “Trailer Park Barbie” doesn’t come with bruising on her body
Then I realized battery not included
What did the rooster do to impress the hen?
He wrote poultry for her.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
I’m reading a horror book written in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.