Get it?
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.
Why wasn’t infinity war a vegan movie?
Because everything was at steak
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from Boston got into a fight, who won?
5th grader from Alabama, because he's 18 yrs old
I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function,
we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"? He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"
There are two reasons you shouldn’t drink toilet water
Number one, and number two
Why aren’t all oceans one depth?
They’re inconsistent seas.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines
But catscan
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high
She seemed surprised
Cell Realignment machine allow the sick to live normal life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sL73BOpg7G4
How to scam a billion Indians to get a million likes
How to scam a billion Indians to get a million likes
Click here to get rickrolled
You probably expected a rickroll, but NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
Rest In Peace Boiled Water
You'll be mist.
I
J
I met a guy from Australia who works in IT.
I said, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
My son was refusing to eat dinner, so I tried to force feed him.
My wife said, “Use the fricking spoon. You are not a Jedi.”
My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on
I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.
I’ll never forget my grandpa’s last words
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!"
Ask Reddit be like “If you could have sex with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?”
I'd choose alive. Weirdo.
I went to a premature ejaculator’s support group today.
Turns out I came early.
I just bought a movie with 3.142 stars out of 5
It was a pi rated DVD
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
I guess you could say it was bread in captivity
WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!
Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwwwww.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
We’ll see about that…
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick!
..I had no idea anyone could stoop so low!
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold." His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?" The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
My dog ate my computer science homework
It took him a couple of bytes
My wife offered me a blowjob today.
‘Really’ I said ‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’ That’ll teach her to be funny
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack….
She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
Do you wanna know why people with shell fish allergies can’t be body builders?
Because they can’t have mussels.