Get it bc Thanos funny
Is this sub still active?
There have been barely any posts all year.
I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no.
She believes I'm only after my money.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Shop Worker: No, I think its aluminium Me: So there's no nickel in this cage? PSW: Don't do it Me: It's a nickeless cage PSW: LEAVE!
The Bristol Zoo Parking Attendant
Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees for cars $1.40, for buses $7. Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee. The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll. Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day — for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars … and no one even knows his name. Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/fake-parking-attendant/
Did you know that dogs keep track of how many times you’ve stepped on their tails?
It's your Yelp score
What makes a good pizza joke?
It’s all in the delivery
A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says
You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
To the person who stole my glasses…
I will find you, I have contacts!
In 2020 we’re going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision
I can see it clearly.
A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first?
The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.
How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.
What’s the opposite of a waterfall?
A firefly
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the heck out of their dogs!
I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for
And I’m not getting any straight answers.
Why can’t you stay up until the cows come home?
Because it’s pasture bedtime.
I just can’t stand those Russian nesting dolls.
They are so full of themselves.
What do you call Batman when he skips church
Christian bale.
You’ll never hear a Hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke…
They consider cows to be sacred.
Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?
This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
What do you call an unvaccinated Italian?
Marco Polio
I just want to give a shout out to sidewalks
For keeping me off the streets
Spiderman saves the day with help of a sad joke.
https://ift.tt/32dkF7K
At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years
I answered: “Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”
Why do you need a painting? (Joke my 7-year-old made up)
So you care about the wall
So what if I don’t know what “apocalypse” means.
It's not like it's the end of the world
How do you communicate with a fish?
You drop him a line.
I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me…
I thought, “This’ll be wasted on drugs and booze.” So I just gave it to the homeless guy.
My penis is like a joke on reddit..
People seeing it for the first time usually laugh. And those who have seen it before get mad that they’re seeing it again.
I tried to trade a deer for fireworks
I want the best bang for my buck
An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot when they collided. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.” The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”