Get it…cat…
I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.
Thank you
This isn't a dad joke. This is a thank you to everyone on this subreddit. 6 weeks ago the love of my life broke things off with me due to factors attributed to my mental health (which i didn't tell her about because she is struggling with uni and i didn't want her to worry) and I've been having an extremely difficult time coming to terms with it. She's falling for another guy while I've been self destructing to the point where she never wants to talk to me again. But i found this subreddit today, the jokes are so stupid and funny that for the first time since before the breakup, I've laughed and it was genuine. Thank you so much for your stupid jokes. You've saved my life as far as I'm concerned. I still have a long way to to, but this subreddit is definitely going to get me through it. Thank you 💖
My bedroom light just went out.
I have no idea where it's going.
I just got banned from /r/fashion
Apparently they didn't like my threads
When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.
"Over there, next to mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase
I said "Don't forget your Baghdad"
Today my son asked, “Can I have a book mark?”
I burst out laughing, 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
How does a tree access the internet?
It logs on.
we’ll we’ll we’ll…
…if it isn’t autocorrect.
My town’s population never changes.
Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
“Why are frogs so happy?”
"They just eat what bugs them."
My brother couldn’t pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
I have a horse named Mayo
Mayo Neighs ..
I don’t like Civil War jokes
I General Lee don’t find them funny
If I had 50 cents for every time I failed a math test,
I'd have $7.20 right now.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon
There’s a new horror film out about a man that possessed people by sneezing.
It's based on achoo story.
News paper comics can be funny sometimes but they’re easily subject to boomers.
https://ift.tt/2wT7Fdw
I finally lost it with the hoarding!
Was just at Walmart and saw a man who’s cart was full of sanitizers soaps wipes and toilet paper. I called him a selfish bastard and gave him a low down on the elderly, moms, and people who really need those things. I told him he should be ashamed of himself. He said “Are you done? Cuz I really need to get back to stocking the shelves…”
Why did the ram go over the cliff?
Because he didn't see the ewe turn.
What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?
I will not die in vein!
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it
If you aren’t impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole
you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation
Pun enters a bar. Bloody fight ensues, ten people die.
Pun in, ten dead.
I made a graph showing my past relationships..
It was an ex axis and a why axis.
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.
The three men had always done everything together!!!!! Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.” The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body. Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.” The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.” “What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician. Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!”
Have you ever tried blind folded archery?
You don't know what you're missing
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, “Sir, would you care for a drink?”
I asked her, “what are my options?” She said, “yes or no.”
Want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence?
It's as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!
My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”
“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!” The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm. The grandfather asks, “What the hell happened to you?” The grandson says, “I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender — but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!” The grandfather says, “Well who the hell did you go with boy?” The grandson says, “My friends from school, who did you go with?” The grandfather says, “Well…the Nazis.”