“Get it? The atheist loves Jesus!”
My wife left me because I’m too insecure…
No wait, she's back She just went make a cup of coffee..
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work
My wife left me for an Indian guy
I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
I wouldn’t say it’s easy living with erectile dysfunction.
But it’s not hard.
I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…
The servers are currently down…
My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection.
So i got her some diet pills.
What do you call a fear of giants?
Fe-Fi-Phobia
Jail is more than just a word…
… it's a sentence
I ordered a chicken and an egg on amazon.
I will let you know.
My buddy just told me he needs major surgery: he’s having half his intestine removed.
(excuse my grammar that should be a semi-colon)
My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart.
So she dyes her hair brunette and goes out for a challenge. She finds a shepherd with a big herd, and asks him if she can guess the number of sheep in the first try and if she guesses right she could keep one of the sheep. The shepherd agrees. After a good look at the herd she thinks and tells him: 258. The shepherd in amusement that she guessed the right number, agrees to give her a sheep of her choosing. She takes another look, grabs one she liked and starts to proudly walk away. Then she hears the shepherd calling her, she turns around and he asks her: If I guess the natural color of your hair, would you give me my dog back?
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on.
The first nurse says, "I can't let that go to waste", and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but decides to ride him anyways. All of a sudden the man sits up and and the nurses apologize explaining how that thought he was dead. The man replies: "I was, but after two jumpstarts and a blood transfusion I feel fucking great.
I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver
I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero. But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
After being single for ages, my best mate said, “Can I set you up?”
I said, "Go on then" Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon.
I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Several scientists were all posed the following question: “What is 2 * 2 ?”
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces, “3.99” The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces, “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02” The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces, “I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!” Philosopher smiles, “But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?” Logician replies, “Please define 2 * 2 more precisely.” The sociologist, “I don't know, but is was nice talking about it.” Behavioral Ecologist, “A polygamous mating system.” Medical Student, “4” All others looking astonished, “How did you know ?” Medical Student, “I memorized it.”
2 christians were stranded in a desert.
The first was called John and the second was called Jack. They were extremely hungry and thirsty. In the distance, they saw a mosque gleaming in the middle of no where. John suggested to go and pay the mosque's Imam a visit and ask for some food and water. Jack agreed but suggested to change their names to islamic ones so that the Imam would agree to feed them. John: That is pointless and deceiving. We should introduce ourselves with our real names. Jack: No, or else they won't feed us. From now on call me Mohammed. They made their way to the mosque and met the Imam and told him about their despair. The Imam told John: We have a room filled with food and water. As for you Mohammed, have a blessed Ramadan.
I used to like Mitch Hedberg
I still do, but I used to too
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
My sex life is like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms, no dates.
