Get it?
Why won’t the dog listen to the farmer’s sheep jokes?
Because he has herd them all.
I saw a woman with 12 breasts the other day…
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
“Dad, I heard that the only way you guys could communicate with each other when you were young was landlines and snail mail.”
Dad: No, you better get your fax straight.
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
One snatches your watch and the other one watches your snatch.
At thirteen years old, my parents got divorced.
In hindsight, they shouldn’t have married that young.
Why is the Australian emergency line is“000”?
Because it’ll look the same when your phone is upside down.
What is the happiest number?
4. Euphoria.
A university student wanted to sit next to his professor at break time.
However, the teacher regarded the student with a haughty face and said: “A dove should not be friends with a donkey.” “Then I shall fly on” the student replied with a cheeky smile. The teacher was clearly annoyed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student in his exams. In the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had incredible answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question: “You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?” “The gold.” “I don’t agree. I would choose cleverness, because that’s more important than money.” “Everyone would choose what they don’t have” says the student. The teacher turns red, and he is so outraged he writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says: “Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!”
Every room’s gotta have door,
and that's where I come in.
I was at the zoo, and saw a baguette in a cage.
The Zookeeper said he was bread in captivity.
They finally invented a golf ball that uses GPS signal to locate the hole, and then roll in.
Just dont put it your back pocket.
I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night…
I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?
What sound does a 747 airplane make when it bounces?
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
A man sees a lady in a bar with a large bosom…
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?" She says, "Hell yea!" So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He says, "Nah, it's too expensive."
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.
She said, “You can’t do this to me!” I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”
I wonder what my wife’s favourite US state is.
Maybe Alaska.
My penis was in the Guiness Book of World Records.
Until the police came and removed me from the library.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They’re efficient and not very funny.
Some guy came up to me and said, “I haven’t gone to the bathroom in two years.”
I said, "you're full of crap"
As a scarecrow, people say I’m out standing in my field…
But hay, it's in my jeans.
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games
What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
r/jokes is holding a meetup.
Thousands of people come, and they need someone to organize them, so the oldest mod, u/Daleeburg, is chosen to host the event. "Welcome, Redditors!" He begins as everybody settles in. "We have some very important speakers coming up. I would like to thank–" but u/Daleeburg never finishes his sentence. Without warning, a hooded figure comes up behind him, unsheathes a large scythe, and lops of his head. Blood sprays everywhere. Pandemonium ensues. In the confusion, the spectre disappears with the body. Emergency services are called, and a manhunt begins, but in the meantime the subscribers of r/jokes have decided to continue with the convention. u/iBleeedOrange, as the mod with the most karma, is chosen to be the new host. "I'm sorry everybody had to go through that, and may u/Daleeburg rest in peace," he says, straightening his Syracuse hat. "But now we can continue without further interruption. Please give a warm welcome to—" u/iBleeedOrange stops speaking, because the murderer materializes behind him and decapitates him, just as before. As chaos reigns in the venue, what can only be the Grim Reaper disappears with the body again. After everything quiets down, though, the r/jokes subscribers decide to give the meetup one last shot. They select a very nervous u/love_the_heat to be host because of his avid mod work and increase security, just to be on the safe side. "Welco–" u/love_the_heat begins, but is immediately killed by the Grim Reaper, who popped out of nowhere to chop off his head with that rather large scythe of his. Security, however, is quick to react this time, and they tackle Death to the ground, subduing and handcuffing him. As they lead him off the stage in shackles, someone yells "why? Why did you have to come to the r/jokes meetup?" Death turned around and gave his answer. "To reap host."
[Long] One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage.
One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in the garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know that boat is such an ongoing expense and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment. And what's the use of that vintage hot rod sports car?" Bob got a horrified look on his face. She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?” He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.” "Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!” Bob replied, "I wasn't…"
An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, ‘I need to search your ranch for illegally grown drugs.’ The rancher replies, ‘Okay, but don’t go into the field over there.’
The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs….. 'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend,
but it was just my imagine Asian.
My calculator is missing the minus button.
But on the plus side,…it still works.
In my career as a lumberjack I cut exactly 58,274 trees.
I know because I kept a log.
My wife and I bought a water bed recently but ever since then…
…we’ve drifted apart.
I’m 29 and my 30th birthday is tomorrow. My gf asked if I feel old yet.
I said, "Not even. I'm still in my prime."
Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: I understand. And for the main course?
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie…
Clooney said, "I'll produce." DiCaprio said, " I'll direct." McConaughey said, " I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
An American doctor is doing aid work in an Afghan village.
A woman in the village gives birth to a white baby. The village leader goes to the doctor and says: “Doctor I am no fool. You’re the only white man around for miles. That baby must be yours.” The doctor is caught off guard and as he’s pondering what to say he sees a group of goats. The goats are mostly white but there’s one brown goat. The doctor tells the village leader: “Look over at those goats! See, sometimes this happens naturally. All those goats are white except for that one brown one.” The village leader looks to the doctor and says: “Ahh I see your point, doctor. Tell you what, I won’t say anything about that white baby if you don’t say anything about that brown goat”
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
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