Get out there Donny!
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans
Why are communist jokes so funny?
Everyone gets it.
NSFW.. Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.” Priest: “What have you done my child?”
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
What’s the difference between my husband and Gollum?
A ring actually means something to Gollum.
If you’ve never listened to an album front to back before, do it. Right now.
If you’ve never listened to an album front to back before, do it. Right now.
Bernie said he’s going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse
On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.
What do you call the Mandalorian’s partner?
Co-Mando. (Credit to my girlfriend)
My math teacher put that on the first page of our workbook (still love the effort)
https://ift.tt/3dLSDGV
Did you hear about the Mexican magician?
He said âfor my next trick, I will disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos -â but then he vanished without a tres.
idk where to put this but i want it to be out in the world. do what you will
idk where to put this but i want it to be out in the world. do what you will
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answersâŚ
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training."
Why was Pavlovâs hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
Why couldn’t Hitler eat oranges?
Because he hated the juice.
The nice thing about bending your bed sheets without someone to help you…
is that when you're done it's easy to clean the floor: you're already half way through. (Might as well have been a "dirty" joke.)
A stormy night.
A loud knocking on the door wakes a man and his wife in the middle of a stormy night. The man opens the door to a stranger, who asks him for a push. "No way!" says the husband, slamming the door shut in the stranger's face. "Who was that?" calls his wife. "Just some drunk asking for a push", he answers, "it's 3 am and pouring heavily out there!" " You should be ashamed", his wife replies, "don't you remember that time when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? You should go and help him." Sighing, the man pulls on his coat and heads out into the pouring rain. "Hello? " He calls out in the dark. "Do you still need a push?" "Yes, please", comes the reply. "Where are you?" the husband calls out. "Over here", the drunk replies, "On the swing".
Scottish Humor
Itâs called a âKiltâ because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt. Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya. In Scotland, we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. For even though we might lose some of our southern cities, at least we'll get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown. đ
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
Never start a pillow fight with Death…
…unless you're sure you can handle the Reaper cushions.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines
But catscan
My 4 year old asked me what you call flying food
I literally had no idea where this was going but he goes really daddy a jelly-copter
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me racist…
A lot of black people would try to mug me
