GET OUT!1!!!
[nsfw] some parents find their teenager’s browser history
It’s full of s&m porn. Mom says: well what are we going to do? Dad says: what do you mean? Mom says: well.. we can’t spank him.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out the dog.
Why did the sperm cross the road
I put on the wrong sock this morning.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.
I turned 18 today, and to celebrate I bought a locket and put my own picture in it…
I guess I really am independent!
Lawyer joke from my 8 year old
What do you call a crappy lawyer? An a-turd-ney
Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll.
No text found
Your momma’s so fat…
I tried to picture her in my head and it broke my neck.
How did 10 die ?
It was in the middle of 9/11.
A drunk man staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he’s right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it.
"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun and give ya what for!" And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way. Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the back and saw the whole thing. He doesn't want any trouble, so he calls up a couple of friends, and together they take the big crucifix down and hide it. As an afterthought, the priest leaves a small desk crucifix in its place. Sure enough, the drunk man comes back with his shotgun. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the tiny crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right in front of it, he leans over real close and says, "Hey, kid, where's yer dad at?"
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were pretty and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
My wife accused me of hating all of her relatives.
I told her "That is not true, in fact I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
Superman is flying though the air super horny…
When he notices Wonder Woman laying totally naked on top of a skyscraper, legs spread wide open. He thinks to himself, man, I’m Superman… Faster than a speeding bullet. I can go down there, fuck the shit out of her as fast as I can and be out of there before she feels a thing. He swoops down as fast as he can and within a second, he’s gone. “What was that?!” screamed Wonder Woman. “I don’t know” the Invisible Man said. “But my asshole is killing me.”
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
(sigh)
My dad and his sibling were talking and they just kept going on about how there generation is more hardworking and we’re all lazy 🤦♀️. I wanted to say ok boomer so badly.
What is the loneliest cheese?
Prov-Alone
The teacher asked, “Name three famous Poles!”
Tommy proudly answered, "North, South and Tad!"
Did you hear about the kid who kept getting electrocuted ?
His Dad finally grounded him
Why did the noodle get a driving ticket?
It drove pasta stop sign
Always knock before opening the fridge.
There could be salad dressing in there.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy!
Fun fact you can’t breath while smiling.
Just kidding I just wanted to make you smile 🙂
Prince Hamlet was having trouble finding out the proportion of sluts to non-sluts in Denmark.
So he asked his friend Horatio.
I denounce that barbers religion
It's hairesy
What do pigs learn in the army?
Ham to ham combat
Did you hear about the man who was arrested for stealing electricity?
He was cleared of all charges.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula
How do your pets stop the show you’re watching?
They use paws!
An officer asked me “Where did the hacker go?”
I replied, “he ransomware.”
