Get that bacanator outta here
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
My girlfriend has started to smoke after sex
So now we use lube
What do you give a cannibal who’s late for dinner
The cold shoulder
Why were the Men in Black at Bruce Wayne’s Mansion?
his parents just died
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for….
Times new ramen!
One in 3 Americans
weighs as much as the other two combined
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
What did the thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym buns
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
My new pencil can write UNDERWATER
it can write other words too
I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
Before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything'
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
My wife bent over to put the dishes in the dishwasher…
I walked up behind her, placed my crotch in the center of her ass and gave a thrust. “Excuse me!” she shouted. “I’m trying to put a load in the dishwasher!” “Me too”, I replied.
A coworker told me a joke about Oedipus and King Midas today.
It was motherfucking gold.
My approximately 6 year old cousin told me this joke
Him: will you remember me in 5 years? Me: yes Him: will you remember me in 10 years? Me: yea Him: knock knock Me: who’s there Him: you forgot me already??
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
NSFW Back in the 1990’s, a baby boy was born without eyelids.
His parents go to a plastic surgeon and the surgeon finds out the boy hasn’t been circumcised yet. The foreskin has nearly the same tissue as the eyelids, so the surgeon suggests a procedure using the baby’s foreskin to fix this problem. Ecstatic, the parents agree. After a few hours of surgery, it was a success! The boy is fine now, he’s just a little cock-eyed.
My shoe split at work today
I knew this job would take my sole
I was Diagnosed with chronic fear of Giants
FeeFiphobia
Click here to get rickrolled
You probably expected a rickroll, but NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
Why do police get to protests early?
To beat the crowd.
What do you call two oranges rubbing together?
Pulp Friction