Gets me every time
Donald Trump
[removed]
A man is washing his car with his son. The son says…
Why can’t you just use a sponge?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again,
I've said it before.
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?
They push twins together to make a king.
What Thog say to man
Thog don’t care
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
A priest, an alcoholic, and a child molester walk into a bar…
And that's just the first guy.
What do you call Batman who skips church?
Christian Bale
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
A physicist sees a man about to jump off of the Empire State Building…
He yells,” Don’t do it, you have too much potential”
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot 🥕
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture of Jesus.
To the guy who invented zero:
Thanks for nothing!
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
What happens if you mix goat DNA and human DNA?
You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
I once won a fight that was five against one.
We really kicked the shit out of that guy.
I haven’t understood a single joke since this quarantine started.
They must all be inside jokes.
A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.
They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her… they kiss… and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
Why don’t cannibals like ramen
They prefer cooked men
How does bread say hello?
Glutentag
The power went out in my house today.
I was delighted.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?
All the red flags.
The man next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like he's never seen a penis before.
I messed up the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza”
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia (stolen from tumblr)
Say what you will about Vlad the Impaler…
…the guy knew how to make a point.
BK’s new commercial is questionable at best (I am never eating there again)
BK’s new commercial is questionable at best (I am never eating there again)
My friend told me a very bad joke about gravity.
I still fell for it.
My grandfather was gravely ill and his doctor suggested coating his body with Crisco.
He went downhill really fast after that.
A woman was in a coma for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened?!" The husband said, "I think she choked."
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
I went to the therapist after my phone died.
I just needed an outlet.
John passed away, when he woke up, he was at the feet of Saint Peter –
– with millions of clocks around the room. Confused, he stood up and asked, "What are the clocks for?" Saint Peter said to him, "These are the clocks of everyone in the world, they only move when someone lies." So John goes to one and says, "Why has this one only moved twice?" Saint Peter said, "that is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice for he has only lied twice in his life." John goes to another, he asked, "Why hasn't this one moved?" Saint Peter says, "That is Saint Teresa's, for she has never lied." Curious now, John asked, "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" Amused, Saint Peter says, "Oh, Jesus is using it as a ceiling fan in his office."
Why was the horse so smelly?
Because the cow gave him a pat on the back!
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Because curiosity killed them all.
“This egg carton has a barncode.”
https://i.redd.it/q7jnircmftq41.jpg
So I was out at the museum with my daughter today and got the ultimate dad joke in. Employee asks kids “Does anyone know the difference between a Crocodile and an Alligator?”
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while? Daughter groaned, employee laughed, other dad's nodded approvingly.
The teacher asks how you put 2 holes in 1 hole.
Nobody knows the answer so she puts her index finger and thumb together and places it over her nose. Little Johnny then asks the teacher "How do you put 6 holes in 1 hole?" She says she doesn't know. He says "You put a recorder up your pussy!" The teacher, surprised by this answer yells "Johnny! I do NOT tolerate such language in my class! Also, a recorder has 10 holes! Not 6!" Little Johnny says "Yeah I know but I didn't know you could fit it all the way in!"
My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.
When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.