I asked who got papers, and they took off running.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
Love means nothing to them.
Some assholes got my pen
…but I guess I can give it the ol' collage try.
Because if you encounter a deer who has a shotgun, it's best to just leave them alone.
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
A guy in the back replies You don’t have enough bullets
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise…’
The barista told me it was fresh ground.
The bartender goes, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
"Yes, I watched it all unfold"
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
No strings attached.
He was too far out, man
But I think deep down they know nothing could be father from the truth.
During breakfast the next morning, Billy asks Mom "Why do you jump on Daddy before going to bed every night?". The Mom, looking over at Dad with a embarrased expression, says "Well, your Daddy gets very fat every night eating dinner, so I have to jump on him to get his stomach flat.". The Son says "Oh, well, that won't work.." said the Son. The Mom, now curious, asks why not, and the son say "Well, as soon as you fall asleep, Ms.Dollip (Their neighbor) comes in and blows him back up again."
China just got it right off the bat
It really makes my day.
He asked me how I celebrate Valentine's day when no on likes me
"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
Actually the full statement was "You're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on positive things today.
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
Because baggers can’t be choosers.
Add spring water.
I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"
About 15 seconds